Tag: Musings

Doggie Daycare…An Elite Black Ops Training Facility

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Don’t let the sweet face fool you!

I have become obsessed with watching my dog, Riley, on the webcam at doggie daycare. I know, I know…I need to get a life. But, it’s just so freaking cute. After a couple of days, I started to notice that the dogs seemed to have their own little “culture”. And, as I was bored, I just created a story of what I think is going on at Barking Hound Village Doggie Daycare.

Riley is working as part of the Secret Service security team. Apparently, someone noticed that he has exceptional guarding abilities and that he is able to detect unsavory characters from a minimum of 20 feet away!!! He was originally recruited for the job of “First Dog” but felt that there was no future in that position. It’s all photo-ops. However, he did agree to allow Sasha and Malia to pet him each day for a couple of hours. He is so selfless. Riley talked about it when he was a guest on Oprah’s Next Chapter. Below is a transcript:
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Oprah: Welcome to the show, Riley!

Riley: Oprah, please call me Mr. Pitts, okay? We don’t know each other like that.

Oprah: Sorry, Mr. Pitts. You know, I had a dog that looked just like you. Her name was Sophie.

Riley: Are you calling me a girl? Oh, so now all Cocker Spaniels look alike? Have you learned nothing from Obama? America is “supposed” to be post-racial now!

Oprah: You are right. It was a slip. Rush Limbaugh is rubbing off on me.

Riley: No probs, O.

Oprah: Don’t get overly familiar, Mr. Pitts. Remember what happened to James Frey. So, tell me about your exciting new position in the Obama-Biden administration!

Riley: Well, basically, I am in charge of canine security detail for Obama. I coordinate all the dogs that work for the Secret Service. I’ve been training them at our training facility known under the code name “Barking Hound Village”. Most people think it’s a doggie daycare…that’s how we fool them. They never know what goes on during nap time. That’s when we run black ops simulations. Anything can happen, Oprah. Constant vigilance!!!!

Oprah: Wow, that is amazing. How were you recruited?

Riley: I was running a rogue operation a few years ago and was betrayed by this Shih Tzu (you can’t trust anything that fluffy. Yeah, they look cute but those suckers are as cunning as they come!). The Shih Tzu, Mr. Giggles, sold me out for a bag of treats and a new titanium collar (he’s worse than Diddy when it comes to wearing bling). Next thing I know, I have been picked up by some outfit known as Cocker Rescue with my picture placed on their website. Major breach of security. Anybody could’ve seen me. I mean, you didn’t see Jack Bauer’s picture on a website! Anyway, I got adopted by this nice lady. My new “mama” took me to obedience school which was a joke. I can’t be brainwashed, okay? Ask her about it. She knows that I still pee in the living room just to show her that nobody rules me. Understand?

Oprah: Totally. Then what happened?

Riley: Well, after I was able to convince my mama that I needed “socialization” with other dogs, I started recruiting at this doggie daycare and within a couple of months, started a new organization. With the doggie daycare as a front, nobody would suspect that we were a group of elite fighters who rooted out terrorist dogs throughout the world. However, as with any organization, you always have someone go rogue. I call it “The Mr. Giggles Effect”. We had a Doberman named Targa go bad. It was unfortunate but he had to be eliminated after he slighted me in front of my minions. You don’t disrespect me. I didn’t earn the name, “The Punisher”, for selling cupcakes to the kids. Turns out that Targa was a double agent, working for an outfit by the name of “Paws for Dogs”. I had been trying to infiltrate them for months to get to the brains behind the outfit. Someone who we only know under the pseudonym of “Doggilicious”. The only intel we had is that he hangs out with Snoop Dogg a lot. Anyway, our first break came when Killa Mike (he’s one of Michael Vick’s old fighting dogs…a real find) heard Targa humming “Gin and Juice”. No self-respecting dog hums a Snoop Dogg song. That’s played out. After cornering Targa, we broke him using a new torture tactic called “Operation Solid” which is basically making him listen to an endless loop of Ashford and Simpson’s song “Solid” for hours until he begs for mercy. He can’t even stop himself from cowering when someone comes up and screams “Solid as a Rock!” We broke him and found out the pertinent information, shut down the terrorist group and received a special commendation. That’s how Obama heard of us. He told me that he needs someone who doesn’t trust anybody. Do you think I let someone roll up on my mama’s car? Hecks no! You better stay 50 feet away! If I hear kids walking down the street talking loud…IT IS ON! I DON’T PLAY ANY GAMES!

Oprah: Wow, I think I could really use some security like that.

Riley: Call my assistant, Miss Stinkpot, and she’ll set you up.

Oprah: So, are you still recruiting?

Riley: Yeah, but it’s difficult. I tried to recruit my Granny’s dog, Payton, but he refused to come out of retirement unless he was given an astronomical amount of treats. I asked him if he had read the Huffington Post which reported that employment was down. Then, my cousin Cody sent me his resume. Sigh. Apparently, he labels himself as “The Assassin” and had pictures of all the chew toys he had destroyed. This was supposed to be evidence that he has the guts for this grueling job. I decided to give him a chance. Unfortunately, when we were on a stakeout, someone’s car alarm went off and he peed in the car and hid under the seat. He’s been reassigned to an office position. Well, thanks for having me on but I gots to run. The O man needs me. Oh, be on the lookout for my new book, “It’s Hard Being Me”. It’s out in stores this summer.

I See Dead People (Oakland Cemetery – Atlanta, GA)

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Well, not really but I did spend the afternoon at Oakland Cemetery.  “This garden cemetery, founded in 1850, is the final resting place of many of Atlanta’s settlers, builders, and most noted citizens like Bobby Jones, Margaret Mitchell, and Maynard Jackson. It is also a showplace of sculpture and architecture, and a botanical preserve with ancient oaks and magnolias. Here in this peaceful place the full scope of the city’s rich and fascinating history unfolds before you.  From a hilltop in Oakland Cemetery, General John B. Hood watched the Battle of Atlanta, and nearby lie soldiers from both sides who died in it.” (source, www.oaklandcemetery.com)

I decided to check it out as I’d heard so much about this cemetery from professional photographers.  It was recently selected by the Atlanta Journal Constitution as Atlanta’s Best Picnic Spot.  Now, while I find cemeteries peaceful and like to try to figure out the family ties of those buried within, I don’t have any interest in having a picnic next to Dearly Departed Darryl.  It did afford me the opportunity to practice my photography tho!

“Oakland’s acres of Victorian gardens offer a variety of spectacular locations for your special occasion.  Maynard Jackson, Atlanta’s first African American mayor, and Ivan Allen, Jr. became the 26th and 27th mayors of the city to be buried at Oakland, joining six Georgia governors. Margaret Mitchell, author of Gone With The Wind, is also buried here. So are golf great Robert T. (Bobby) Jones; Joel Hurt, one of the city’s leading developers and entrepreneurs; Atlanta historian Franklin Garrett, Bishop Wesley John Gaines, founder of Morris Brown College; Carrie Steele Logan, 19th Century founder of Atlanta’s first orphanage for black children which continues today as the Carrie Steel Pitts Home, and others who played a role in Atlanta’s evolution.” (source, www.oaklandcemetery.com).  I’m pretty sure I’m related to Carrie Steel Pitts (or at least that is the story I plan to circulate…see what kind of ancestry you can make up by hanging out at the cemetery?).

 

 

Grave of Maynard Jackson, first black mayor of Atlanta, GA

 

Online Dating…That Shi* Cray

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Lord help me.  I decided to give online dating another try.  Why?  Because all of my fabulousness overwhelms me so I need to siphon it off onto someone else (not because I seem to have inadvertently gotten on the seniorsingles.com distribution list…I’m not that old yet, y’all).   Ha!  So, I paid my money and decided to try my luck.  I figure that you have to weed thru the crazies in real life so this may make it a bit easier.  But you know what I have found?  Crazy can be overwhelming in concentrated doses.  My observations so far…

Profile Pictures

First, what is the deal with taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror?  Don’t you have any friends?  Maybe a neighbor?  Or even a timer on the camera?  If I have to see one more camera-phone glamour shot, I am going to scream.  It’s like picture in picture.  I’m distracted by what type of phone you have and if that is a Otterbox case.  Don’t do that to me.  Phone a friend.  Second, put some clothes on.  I said it.  Especially if you want to take a chest picture and you look like Notorious B.I.G.  I can’t take it.  Third, don’t put the Christmas picture with your child on the dating website.  Bobby Jr. isn’t looking for love…he’s looking for his pacifier.  Third, don’t put your wedding photo with a black X over the face of your ex-wife.  Seriously.  You have other photos to use.  That ain’t winning you any matches.  Fourth, stop posing next to a luxury car or in front of some McMansion to show your wealth.  I don’t believe it.  Real rich folks don’t advertise like that.  That is how you get robbed.

The Dating Pool

I’ve found that, typically, matches fall into the following categories…what my friends and I like to call “The Dirty Dozen”:

1.  Mr. Pop Pops =  I set age limits for a reason.  I’m not opposed to expanding the limit by a couple of years…but if you are 65, please don’t send me a wink.  I’m not trying to meet up with you for the Early Bird Special.  That’s gross.  I mean, I thought Morgan Freeman was great in Shawshank Redemption but I’m not trying to date him.  And, really…after my experience in Vegas, I don’t think I can handle another old man screaming out “WTF?” when the shuttle bus doesn’t arrive on time.

2.  Mr. Delusional =  This is the guy who has described himself as “athletic & toned” but looks like Mr. Dursley from Harry Potter.  This is also the guy that has used up the 26 picture allotment on his supposed “Maserati/Jaguar/BMW/Bugatti”, “luxury home”, and other assorted karate kicking/’staring off into the distance with a suit and briefcase’ photos.

3.  Mr. Crazypants = I will say this…I appreciate people who showcase crazy in their profile descriptions.  I prefer to read the crazy than hear about it over drinks (where I can’t make a quick escape).  Case in point, here is an actual excerpt from a guy’s profile (note that he would also qualify under #9 Functionally Illiterate):

” I’m 100% HETERO however I’m very kinky with the right woman!Im a butt man so she has to have a NICE BOOTY Meaning any size, just has to be kissable,lickable and look good in jeans,panties etc.. lol :)I enjoy the entire female anatomy (ALL 3 HOLES)Yes!!! Even Anal. 🙂 Its a shame i have to be this honest but some people dont read, some people dont pay attention and some people dont get it. Okay.. Back to the profile. Yes..I know.. Im a freak.lol But im respectful and honest. kissing,cuddling, hand griping,sweaty palms lots of romance,passion. MMM…WHEW! But I need to find my queen, She should be emotionally & mentally stable(FREAK IN THE SHEETS & WOMAN IN THE STREETS)Otherwise im Abstinent. One reason is because i have herpes, got it from a dishonest ex. Yes im honest. If you have to many hang ups,claim you want a honest man but have a problem with my honesty.(Dont judge me) If you do, your the hypocrite… Please keep it moving.”

That is a strict cut and paste with no edits.  I know it’s crazy.  How does emotionally & mentally stable = freak in the sheets & woman in the streets?  And this is after he talks about sweaty palms, hand “griping” and being freaky with anal sex even tho he is abstinent because he has herpes?  What?  Oh, but he is respectful.  Can’t forget that.  Too many contradictions to discuss.  Cray cray.  Alas, I opted to “keep it moving.”  In fact, after I read that, I just shut down my laptop and went upstairs to take a shower.

4.  Mr. Married But Looking =  This is the guy who is “Currently Separated” which really means that he is still married but stepping out.  Some of the wives don’t even realize this until their friend, Betty, tells them that Leroy is on Plenty of Fish with the screen name “BigDaddyLovaLova”.  I’m gonna need to see a notarized divorce decree, buddy.

5.  Mr. Love Jones = This is the guy that sends you an email with some sort of poem…that is clearly a template used for all of his initial correspondence.  “I want to run my fingers thru your long, flowing hair”  Uh, my hair is neither long or flowing.  But thanks.  I feel like I should be snapping my fingers while reading his flowery words of love.  “Your eyes light a fire in my soul and looking at your picture, I realize that my life was shades of grey until I met you and now I see all the colors of the rainbow.”  *dead*

6.  Mr. Baby Daddy =  If your profile lists 3 or more kids under “Children” and Relationship Status as “Never Married”…well, sorry.  You seem to be high risk for being a “Cootie Carrier.”  I can’t afford to take that risk since I’m recovering from water cancer.

7.  Mr. Imposter = This is the guy with a profile picture of Sonny Corinthos from General Hospital.  You know that ain’t you.  I’m pretty sure Neil from Young & the Restless isn’t on match.com with the profile name of “thuglovin2012.”  One guy had a profile picture of Shemar Moore with the screen name “LuvDokta” and has his profession listed as a Harvard educated cardio-thoracic surgeon.  I almost asked if his name was Preston Burke.  I guess times are tough after Dr. Christina Yang left him at the altar at the end of Season 2.

8.  Mr. Ron Burgundy =  This is the guy who is full of himself.  You know the ones I’m referring to.  “I used to play basketball overseas…I’m a baller and looking for a WOMAN who can handle me both on and OFF the court.”  He usually uses the “$” in his profile name.  That lets you know that you are dealing with someone who has dollar bills.  That’$ right.  Sigh.  I just don’t have it in me to respond.  But, I am super excited that Anchorman 2 is coming out!

9.  Mr. Functionally Illiterate = Sigh.  Why do I get a headache trying to figure out what he is saying?  And for the record, “conversate” is NOT.A.WORD!  Lord Almighty!  If I have to read, “Im jussa kool dude lookin fo a bangin women to conversate wit” I’m gonna scream.  Fellas, please know that is okay to use the singular form “woman” when referring to 1 female.  Women is not the catch-all for 1 or more ladies.  It refers to 2 or more females.  If in doubt, please use spell-check.  It’s your friend, not your enemy.

10.  Mr. Crazy Fetish =  I respect that some people have different interests.  But taking pictures with your metal lunchbox collection that is displayed on your dining room table with the caption, “lunchbox lovin”?  That is too much.

11.  Mr. Race Relations = This is the guy who states explicitly in the first line of his profile that he DOES NOT date black women (even though he may actually be black himself).  But he emails you to let you know that he will make an exception for you.  Um, thanks????  But I don’t need affirmative action to help level the dating playing field.

12.  Mr. Right = I haven’t found him yet but I am confident that he is out there…somewhere.  Seriously.  Help me find him, y’all.  It takes a village.

I’ve pre-paid for 3 months of this.  Pray for me.

The Fascinating Finns — Moose, Reindeer & Bears, Oh My!

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I had the pleasure of spending 3 days in Finland (2 full days in Helsinki [Vantaa] and a quick day trip to Nokia).  Unfortunately, I had to work most of the time and didn’t have any time to sightsee other than for 15 minutes before dinner one evening.  Therefore, unlike my other posts that cover most of the top attractions of the city, this post will focus more on what I’ve learned about Finland and my experience with the Finnish people.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived in Helsinki.  The one thing about “travelling while brown” is that you have to always be prepared to be the subject of stares.  Which is fine if you are just curious and not ignorant.  Especially if I’m visiting a country where there aren’t many other people of color.  I have to say that I believe my skin color actually provided me with an advantage in Finland. 

I had the pleasure of travelling with a Finnish attorney (Jura) who took it upon himself to try to educate me in everything Finnish during my 3 day trip (complete with trying to learn Finnish phrases…and I am now proud to say I know 3 words…ha!).  As a sidenote, Finnish is HARD.  There are like 19 letters in the word “fish” (or something crazy like that).

Jura explained to me that the Finns don’t do small talk and niceties.  It’s not that they are rude, but they just don’t see the need for a lot of extra conversation.  And, with it being so cold, I understand why (I mean, who wants to stand around hearing about Laaki’s corns when you can’t feel your fingers?).  However, he was surprised in the responses I would get everyplace I went.  The Finns were super nice and went out of their way to be of service.  He said it’s because they know I’m a tourist but I like to think it’s because they know I’m special 🙂  From the hotel  to the restaurants, it was like being among friends. 

My absolute favorite moment was getting to meet Jura’s father.  He is a big bear of a man and was the absolute best!  He picked me up from my hotel to take Jura and myself to the train station and even walked us to the train station platform then waited to make sure we got on the train safely.  At the end of the day, he was waiting for us to get off the train to cart me back to the hotel (and Jura to the airport).  That is hospitality at its best!

I’m naturally chatty so I asked a lot of questions about their history (which seemed to be a very subject of many).  Below are some interesting facts I learned during my stay:

1.  Santa better hide Rudolph because reindeer was on EVERY menu that I saw during my 3 day stay. 

2.  In addition to the reindeer, the Finns eat bear (watch your back, Yogi…maybe get with Rudolph in Witness Protection or something) and the Helsinki airport even sells bear liver pate.  I’m sure that just made you salivate…I’ll wait while you go to Google and search for companies that ship internationally.

3.  The Arctic Ice Bar.  Words cannot describe how much I wanted to check this place out.  Trust me, if I had stayed over a weekend, I’d have been in there with the club-offered parkas freezing my booty off while setting my drink on an ice table.  Per their website, “Inside the icebar the temperature is a constant -5C. Upon entry to the Icebar guests are given a warm cape and gloves to wear.” That is awesome!  Of course, the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time was from a reviewer on Trip Advisor who said, “You won’t find a lot of locals in the ice bar. We think it’s a damn silly idea to pay extra to be cold as we get enough of it for free.”  Ha!

4.  The Finns are required to learn an additional language in primary school (i.e. Swedish, Russian, etc.) and it is required that all men (not sure about women) serve for 9 months – 1 year in the military.

5.  Finland was once part of Sweden, then Russia before becoming its own republic.

6.  This country has 187,888 lakes and 179,584 islands which was created by the effect of the Ice Age (much like the Norwegian fjords).

7.  Want to visit the Arctic Circle?  Just go to the top of Finland!  You can freeze to your heart’s content.

8.  Northern Lights.  Finland (like Alaska) is known for its Northern Lights.  In northern Finland, you can experience 24 hour darkness in January/early February and 24 hours of sun in the summer. 

9.  Looking for a great place to eat?  Try out the FishMarket (which has a great choice of fresh fish prepared in a variety of ways) or Farang (which is delicious Pan Asian food with a Finnish flair) in downtown Helsinki. 

10.  Finns like to hunt and one local favorite is moose. 

Below are the few pictures I was able to take in downtown Helsinki.  Notice how the lakes are frozen around the boats.  Unreal that it was that cold.

     

One Day in Paris

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December 29, 2011

What would you do if you had only 1 day to experience the enchanting city of Paris?

Bonjour!  Aaron, Joyce, Stefanie, Luciana (“The Crew”) and I decide to take a day trip to Paris from London.  While this is my third trip to this intoxicating city, it’s the first visit for my co-travellers.  The great thing about this city is that you can always find something new to discover!  We ended up fitting about 3 days worth of sightseeing into 11 hours.  It was glorious!  If you plan to do a day trip, be sure to get lots of sleep and wear comfortable shoes because it will wear you out!  I’ve covered Paris in 3 other blog posts so most of the info in this post will be high-level (with links throughout to posts with more detail). 

* Just a quick note that this post is going to get risqué by the end since I will be recapping my visit to the Museum of Erotica…you’ve been warned 🙂

Our schedule for the day:

7:01 Depart London St.-Pancras, set our watch 1 hour ahead
10:17 Arrive in Paris, take Metro to Notre-Dame
10:30 Explore Notre-Dame
11:00 Lunch at a French cafe in Ile de la Cite
12:00 Walking tour of the Latin Quarter, Tuileries Gardens, the Louvre, Ile de la Cite/Ile St. Louis, Saint-Chappelle, Deportation Memorial, Pont Neuf, La Comedie Francaise, Opera Garnier, Palais Royale, Place de La Concorde, Palais de Justice, Pantheon, Champs-Elysees. 
3:00 Visit Montmartre area (Sacre-Coeur, Moulin Rouge and Musee de l’erotisme)
6:00 Visit the Eiffel Tower
7:00 Dinner at a French cafe.  Be back at Gare du Nord (train station) by 8:25pm.
9:13 Depart Paris for London (arrive in London at 10:36)

The Crew & I are up at 4:30am to get dressed and take the Tube to St. Pancras station to catch the 7:01am train to Paris.  OMG, it’s early y’all.  Eurostar requires you to check-in at least 30 minutes prior to the train leaving (you also need to account for time to go through security…so budget about 45 minutes or so).  After we check-in, we get breakfast and hang out until it’s time to leave.

 

Once we board the train, it’s about 2 1/2 hour ride to Paris.  We decide to use this time to take a nap.

   

We arrive in Paris around 10:30am (Paris is 1 hour ahead of London) and get on the Paris Metro.  Quick tip:  I purchased our Metro tickets in advance thru Rail Europe (at the same time as our train tickets) and this saved us so much time.  The lines for tickets had about a 20 minute wait.  I just bought day passes so we wouldn’t have to worry about purchasing travel tickets each time we rode the Metro.  It definitely helped us spend more time sightseeing than worrying about logistics.

We hop on the Metro and head towards the Notre Dame stop.  As we exit the train station, we come upon Palais de Justice.

  

Our first stop was the beautiful Notre Dame Cathedral (also known as Our Lady of Paris).  This magnificent cathedral took 185 years to complete (1160 – 1345).  The builders used the popular Gothic style and it’s noted for its flying buttresses.  It has been thru many alterations since completion in order to keep it current with modern conveniences. 

In 1793, during the French Revolution, the cathedral was rededicated to the Cult of Reason, and then to the Cult of the Supreme Being. During this time, many of the treasures of the cathedral were either destroyed or plundered. The statues of biblical kings of Judah (erroneously thought to be kings of France) were beheaded. Many of the heads were found during a 1977 excavation nearby and are on display at the Musée de Cluny. For a time, Lady Liberty replaced the Virgin Mary on several altars. The cathedral’s great bells managed to avoid being melted down. The cathedral came to be used as a warehouse for the storage of food (source Wikipedia).  I find the French Revolution fascinating (I mean, seriously, how out of touch did the royals have to be?).  You can read my comical take on the origins of the French Revolution in my Versailles recap titled E True Versailles Story:  Royals Gone Wild.

The exterior of the church is absolutely breathtaking.  You can see the kings of Judah as well as the Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus.

   

The inside of the cathedral was beautiful and serene.  All cathedrals have the same layout (in the form of a cross).  It’s a very overwhelming and calming experience.

       

After we leave Notre Dame, we walk to Ile St. Louis (“St. Louis island) and stop for lunch at a little cafe called Le Flore en L’Ile (where they serve the famous Berthillon ice cream).  Ile St. Louis is the high-rent residential area of Paris (Johnny Depp has an apartment here!).

 

We walk past the back of the Notre-Dame and go to the Deportation Memorial.  I’ve been to this area twice before and never noticed this garden nestled among the trees.  The Memorial de la Deportation is a memorial to the 200,000 French victims of Nazi concentration camps. 

Then we cross the Seine…

  

…and see the “love locks”.  Couples who marry place locks along the bridge and throw the key into the river to signify that their love cannot be broken.  No idea what the folks do who have combination locks (maybe those signify pre-nups). 

 

We walk along the Seine towards the Louvre and pass thru the Latin Quarter.  I cover my tour of the Louvre pretty thoroughly in my Paris Ooh La La post (it also includes a recap of the Paris Ghost Tour which was so entertaining).

  

While Joyce & Stefanie toured the Louvre; Aaron, Ciana and I took the Metro to Montmartre to visit Sacre-Coeur.  “The Basilica of the Sacred Heart of Paris, commonly known as Sacré-Cœur Basilica, is a Roman Catholic church and minor basilica.   A popular landmark, the basilica is located at the summit of the butte Montmartre, the highest point in the city. Sacré-Cœur is a double monument, political and cultural, both a national penance for the supposed excesses of the Second Empire and socialist Paris Commune of 1871 crowning its most rebellious neighborhood, and an embodiment of conservative moral order, publicly dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, which was an increasingly popular vision of a loving and sympathetic Christ.  The Sacré-Cœur Basilica was designed by Paul Abadie. Construction began in 1875 and was finished in 1914. It was consecrated after the end of World War I in 1919.” (source, Wikipedia)

Climbing up the steps to reach Sacre-Coeur is a workout in and of itself.  My glutes were on fire!  But the view is phenomenal and well worth it.

  

While the view is fantastic, let me warn you that the pickpockets are out in full effect.  Due to this area being extremely crowded, thieves are always on the lookout for something free.  Sigh.  I covered my own “attempted” pickpocket experience in  The Wonderful World of Paris post.  You already know I had a “I wish a mutha-*&!@ would pickpocket me today!” attitude.  Ha!

After we leave Sacre-Coeur, we decided to stroll through the artsy Montmartre neighborhood.  An interesting fun fact to know is that many artists had studios or worked around the community of Montmartre (such as Salvador Dalí, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso and Vincent van Gogh).

We pass by a sweet shop and couldn’t resist going in.  I love how happy sugar-filled shops are 🙂

 

As we were chatting and walking down Boulevard de Clichy, I started to notice something.  Every store seemed to have a theme.  Now, if you have tender sensibilities, are under the age of 18 or are my Mom, stop reading, k?  If you want to read but don’t want to admit to your inner freak, then go on and close the door.  I’ll wait.

  

Wait…what?  Does the sign on that store say “Pussy’s”?  I don’t see any cats.  Is that a pimp leaning up against the wall?  OMG, this is the French “Hustle & Flow”.  Now I’ve got that “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” song in my head and I’m gonna be saying ‘mane’ like Terrence Howard. FRACK.  I HATE THAT SONG! 

How did we stumble into the freak nasty section of Paris?  Why didn’t I see this in Rick Steves?  What startled me was that you just kinda came up on it and it was like, “BAM…take off your drawers/panties.”  If you have a heavy sexual appetite, this smorgasbord of sex is for you.  When I was in Amsterdam, I expected freak fest (and let’s be honest…you know you would’ve been all over this too, k?). 

We had about 30 minutes to kill until we met back up with Joyce & Stefanie so we end up going to the Musee de l’erotisme (Museum of Erotica) which was about 10 Euro.  Let me just say that you are not ready for this place.  Seriously.  I thought it would be some sort of campy “museum” but this turned out to be a full-on 7 level museum dedicated to all forms of erotica.  And, it took us much longer than 30 minutes to go through the entire place.  I am not ashamed to admit I learned something!  For those of you “innocents” out there, this is the time for you to put on some pearls so you can get to clutching.

I was not ready.  And, y’all aren’t either.  Which is why I’m taking you on the tour with me (yes, I was *that girl* who whipped out the camera and giggled or said “shut the front door!” while taking pictures for y’all.  You’re welcome).

So let’s get started.  First, let me say that this turned into my birthday present for my cousin, Aaron (since we were in Paris on his special day).  Second, even he was shocked which is saying something.  Third — Mom, are you still reading this?  Aaron made me go in.  I was fine with visiting the cathedrals 🙂

This is the first thing I see when we enter the museum…

Um, what kind of chair is this?  And, is it for sale?

Then it was on to these gems:

   

Each floor as a “theme”.  They start you off tame…then it gets freakier each level you ascend.  The first floor was dedicated to the “religious” and cultural aspects of sex across the world.  The big dildo you see above?  That’s “prayer wood”.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Wooo, stop it.  I cannot see taking that to Zion Hill Baptist Church and shouting out “CALLING ALL PRAYER WARRIORS!” 

Have you been looking for some new sandals for the summer?  Well here you go.

Oh yes, you are seeing right.  Dildo sandals.  I believe they may be multi-purpose.

Then we get to the Japanese proverbs.  This stuff is golden.  I heard a guy saying “this is deep, man.” (you can click on the photos to enlarge).

Then there was the “pillow book”which is basically a how-to manual to subjugate women *eye roll*…

 

Next is the Chinese version of the “Kama Sutra”.

We then head to the next level which is all about brothels. 

 

You can see photos of some of the “working girls” and the ledger of how much pimps/madams made.

Below is an excerpt of a book which basically said that prostitutes became lesbians out of boredom or because they hated how they were treated by men.

Keep in mind that there are a lot of photos but I only took a handful on each floor…didn’t want to seem like a sex-crazed pervert.  We then head upstairs.  Each landing has some sort of erotic art like…

As we come to the top of the stairs, I notice a large flat screen tv and couches with some lighted scented candles.  The tv wasn’t showing anything at that time but I assumed it was a video about the history of erotica.  

Wrong.

So wrong.

Ciana, Aaron and I had been walking around and looking at all the statues, pictures, etc.  I got caught up looking at something (I can’t even remember…I was constantly lagging behind due to taking pictures).  As I walk back towards the stairs, I see the video has started and Ciana & Aaron are slack-jawed.  Apparently, I had just missed what I assumed was the informational video but a new one is starting.  There is a crowd with people sitting on the couch and standing around. 

I turn to look at the tv screen and see it’s a silent movie…and it’s porn.  That’s right, silent porn.  With subtitles…black and white…and looks to have been filmed in the 1920s.  The film was set in a monastery with a “monk” making dinner for 2 “nuns”.  And, I swear that the subtitle said “the sisters decided to have each other for “hors d’oeuvres”.  Wait…what?  Next thing I know, the “sisters” have ripped off each others “habits” and are going to town on each other!  WHAT?  The subtitles keep popping up because apparently you need to be told the continuing storyline in case you got lost.  The “monk” was peeping thru a window and then another “monk” comes up behind him, snatches his pants down and starts having sex with him.  I was done.  I couldn’t watch anymore…in a room full of folks…with a storyline set in church.  I’m trying to see Jesus some day and I don’t have time to explain my visit to the Museum of Erotica to Peter.  I already have way too much to account for.  Which now includes this visit because you know I didn’t leave. 

We turned quickly and went up to the next level…which was “porn thru the years”.  There were 3 smaller tv’s on each table set in a triangle pattern.  This apparently is for more intimate viewing.  But you are still at a table with other folks.  Really?  They had porn from every culture thru a span of 50 or 60 years.  Even interviews with adult film stars.  As we are walking up to the 6th level, we see photos of different “genres” of porn…like vampire porn.  *hangs head*

The 6th floor is dedicated to what I’m gonna call “cartoon” porn.  I’m sure it has some sort of slick name but it’s freaky stuff in cartoon fashion.  Like they needed to draw up Smurfette getting it on with Papa Smurf.  There’s something for everybody here.

The last floor focused on “doll” porn.  Poor Barbie.  She’s a ho.

 

By the time we reached Bimbo Barbie, I was exhausted.  Who knew that looking at all that erotica would wear you out?  We ended up taking the elevator down to the first floor and saw this magnificent display at the exit.

Afterwards, I felt like I needed to smoke a cigarette.  Woooo!  Thanks, Paris.

We leave the museum and head towards Moulin Rouge

Then take the Metro back to the Louvre to meet up with Joyce & Stef.

We all walk from the Louvre thru the Tuleries Garden and see that there is a huge ferris wheel!

 

By this point, our feet are killing us but we still have one more stop before dinner…and that is to the Eiffel Tower!

Then finally, it was time to rest and eat.  We ended up eating at a cafe across the street from the train station.  Which was a good thing because we almost missed our train!  Overall, it was a great day trip.  We were able to see a lot.  I would definitely recommend staying for more than a day because Paris at night is fabulous!  Looking for things to do in Paris?  Check out my post The Top 10 Things to do in Paris.  Au revoir!

Nikki’s Nest: Grand Hotel Savoia (Genoa, Italy)

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The Grand Hotel Savoia

I’ve had the pleasure of staying at The Grand Hotel Savoia three separate times over the course of a year.  This magnificent 5 star hotel was built in the 1897 by the Fioroni family.  Due to its close proximity to the port, the Grand Hotel Savoia received the most important European upper class travellers waiting for boarding on the ships.  Per the hotel website, “The Guest book, with signatures of important personalities of that time, is not only the evidence of the glorious past, but still represents the role of first importance that the Grand Hotel Savoia played on the stage of the Italian Hotel Industry.”

Location

Located in the Aquaverde square, “Il Grande Hotel Savoia” is in the historic centre of Genoa and convenient to the train station (which is just a 5 minute walk from the hotel) and the port (which is about a 10 minute walk).  The nearest airport (Cristoforo Colombo) is only 7 km from the hotel.  And, starting Feb. 1, 2012, the hotel will offer free airport shuttle service!

 
What’s great about the location is that you are within walking distance to almost everything (or you can take the Metro or cheap taxi).  If you take a 10 minute walk, you can visit Aquario di Genova (Genoa Acquairum), Palazzo Reale, Galata Museo del Mare and the shopping area of the city.  Trust me, there are so many delicious restaurants, you want to make sure you get out and about.

My second room at the Grand Hotel Savoia

 Rooms

 “A style that tells…” This is how the hotel introduces their room decor. 

 “You will see typical elements of Liguria’s architecture in the wardrobes; the images on the inside walls remind us the city and its history. Old trunks and relics of far-away countries are reminiscence of the golden age of the great transatlantic trips. The rich  stuffs have colours inspired to the nature: sea, sky, slate (Genoa traditional stone), sand and sun are tightly tied up to Liguria; These are perfect suggestions for relating the hotel to the territory that surrounds us. Every single room is different from the others, and each one tells us a different story…”

They offer 5 classes of rooms:  Classic, Deluxe, Executive, Junior Suite, and Family Suite.  All rooms have air conditioning, coffee maker, LCD TV, free Wi-Fi, laptop safe with internal plug, creams-baths set.  There is also free access to the SPA center.  I’ve stayed in 3 separate rooms, each one slightly different than the last.

 

My first room at the Grand Hotel SavoiaMy first room at the Grand Hotel Savoia

The "Gym" Suite...this looks so fabulous!

Amenities

Fitness

The hotel has a small gym.  It has the basic treadmill, bike and elliptical along with some weights.  I found it to be sufficient for a good workout.  In fact, I used the gym quite a few times during my stay.

Spa

The Grand Hotel Savoia has a spa which looks pretty nice but I cannot attest to the quality of services.  The wellness center has a sauna, Hammam, aromatic showers, massages and swimming pool.

Terrazza (Terrace)

The terrace (located on the seventh floor) offers a panoramic view of Genoa and an overlook of the Genoa Gulf.  You can relax in the jacuzzi or just sip a glass of your favorite drink while taking in the sights.  I absolutely loved it!

 For Kids

The hotel has a kiddie area called “The Garden of Pirates.”

Restaurant

The restaurant is called Novecento and it is absolutely divine!  Breakfast is superb and dinner is really good too.  Genoa is known for its pesto so you will find a good variety of pesto dishes offered.

Overall, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Grand Hotel Savoia and would definitely stay there again.  You cannot beat the comfort, location or price.  I absolutely loved the uniqueness of each room, the customer service from the hotel staff and amenities.  Consider pre-booking via their website (I found they offered the best deals directly).  Breakfast (and sometimes Delta Skymiles) is/are included in the rate.  If you ever visit Genoa, I highly recommend this hotel. 

Nikki’s Rating: 4 (Fabulous)

Rating Scale 1-5 (1 = GET OUT NOW; 2 = Seriously?; 3 = Eh, it’ll do; 4 = Fabulous; 5 = Absolutely Wonderful)

 

 

Swiss Miss: The Olympic Museum & Lovely Lausanne (Switzerland)

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While visiting Geneva, I decided to take a quick trip to Lausanne (which is 40 minutes from Geneva, 30 minutes from Chillon).  Lausanne is MUCH better than Geneva so my advice is to skip Geneva and spend your time visiting Lausanne, Montreux and Chillon.

Lake Geneva is in the southwest corner of Switzerland and separates the country from France.  This area is known as the Swiss Riviera and the predominant language is French.  Lausanne calls itself the “Olympic Capital” (it has been the home to the International Olympic Committee since 1915).  This colorful city was first founded on the lakefront by the Romans (and really, what city didn’t they discover???).  Once Rome fell, the original Lausanners fled to the hills to escape the barbarians and established what is today referred to as “vieille ville” (old town).  Lausanne has 2 parts:  1) the lakefront Ouchy (which has restaurants & the Olympic Museum) and 2) old town which has an Old World charm and other museums (i.e. Collection de l’Art Brut).  These two areas are connected by the Metro funicular (source Rick Steves’ “Switzerland”).

Lausanne is absolutely beautiful and very serene.  You can walk along Lake Geneva during the breathtaking sunset.

  

Or, stop to view the flower displays as you stroll the main boulevard.

   

We arrive in Lausanne and take a taxi to the Olympic Museum (which is AWESOME!).  This museum is interesting to both Olympic enthusiasts and those of us who like to watch the games every 2 years.  As you enter the museum, you will pass by the Olympic store which has shirts, posters, etc. from previous games (and the future London 2012 games).  After you pay the entrance fee, you are given a ticket which you will need to insert into the turnstiles to enter each exhibit.

They have several small theaters which recount the history of the Olympics.  In 1894, Pierre de Coubertin founded the International Olympic Committee and restarted the games after a 1,500 year lapse.  Barron de Coubertin was a teacher who was born into a French aristocratic family.  He was really into physical fitness and channelled that passion into restarting the games.  During the film, you hear him ask the nations that will take part in the games to respect each other.  Now, I do have to give Mr. de Coubertin the side-eye because he felt that the inclusion of women would be “impractical, uninteresting, unaesthetic, and incorrect.”  Whatever, Pierre.  Women eventually were allowed to compete in the 1900 Summer Olympics in Paris. 

The ground floor traces the history of the Olympics from its start in Greece through about a century’s worth of ceremonial olympic torches.

 

Upstairs has medals and information/highlights from each Olympics.

Muhammad Ali’s shoe from his gold medal win in boxing at the 1960 Summer Olympics in Rome.

Wilma Rudolph’s track shoe that she wore to win three Olympic titles (the 100 m, 200 m and the 4 x 100 m relay) at the same 1960 Summer Olympics in Rome as Muhammad Ali.

The basketball signed by the U.S. “Dream Team” led by Michael Jordan at the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona.

And, Shannon Miller’s leotard from her gold medal win for balance beam at the 1996 Summer Olympics in Atlanta.

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Charming Château de Chillon (Switzerland)

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The majestically beautiful Château de Chillon (Chillon Castle) is located on the shore of Lake Léman (Lake Geneva) in the commune of Veytaux, at the eastern end of the lake, 3 km from Montreux, Switzerland. The castle consists of 100 independent buildings that were gradually connected to become the building as it stands now (source Wikipedia).  The cities along Lake Geneva make up the fabulous French Swiss Riviera!  I took the train from Geneva to Montreux.  Then, hopped on a bus to Chillon.

Incredibly, Château de Chillon is very well-preserved.  Unlike many other castles in Europe, it has never been damaged or destroyed.  Per the website, the history of the castle was influenced by three major periods:

  • The Savoy period (12th century to 1536)
    The oldest written document mentioning the castle dates from 1150; it says that the House of Savoy already controlled the route along the shores of Lake Geneva.
  • The Bernese period (1536-1798)
    The Swiss, more precisely the Bernese, conquered the Pays de Vaud and occupied Chillon in 1536. The castle retained its role as a fortress, arsenal and prison for over 260 ans.
  • The Vaudois period (1798 to the present)
    The Bernese left Chillon in 1798 at the time of the Vaudois Revolution. The castle became the property of the Canton of Vaud when it was founded in 1803. The restoration of the historical monument began at the end of the 19th Century and continues to this day.

All in all, the castle has been used in a variety of ways:  as an armory, warehouse, prison, hospital and tourist attraction.  As you enter the grounds, you feel like you have gone back in time.  The people who work at the castle all wear period-era clothes so as you tour the castle, you feel as if you have stepped into life in the 1500’s.

Chillon Castle is surrounded by a natural moat so you cross a bridge to get to it.

 

Then, as your walk down the path, you come upon the castle and beautiful Lake Geneva.

  

As you enter the castle, you walk into the main courtyard (there are 3 courtyards in total).  This is where the main action took place.

      

I picked up an audio guide then started the tour.  First thing I see is a model of what the original castle looked like.

Then, I tour the “Underground” which is spectacular!  It held the wine and prison.  It’s most well-known for the imprisonment of Bonivard, made famous by Lord Byron, who made him the hero of his poem “The Prisoner of Chillon”.

   

Next stop was the great halls which had beautiful windows with seats to look out over the courtyards or Lake Geneva.

Chambre bernoise

A comfortable bedroom, with rather subdued decoration, a large four-poster bed, heating, private toilet and even running water!

  

A quick note about the potty above.  First, you see that 2 people can go at the same time…with no barrier between them.  Reminds me of Ephesus where there were 10 potties like this.  I can’t imagine talking to Mary while doing #2.  Shoot, I don’t even like doing that when there is someone in the bathroom with stalls!  Second, if you look down into the lid, you will see that it empties straight into the lake.  So, um…I’m not thinking a lot of people went skinny-dipping.

Views of Lake Geneva from the castle.

  

Torture Chamber.  While I was there, I was able to view the Temporary exhibition: “Witch-hunting in the Pays de Vaud, from the 15th to the 17th centuries”.

The Pays de Vaud was the site of major witch-hunts between the 15th and the 17th centuries. During this period, there were more than 2000 death sentences!

On a larger scale, Switzerland within the current borders if the time holds not only the record for the longest-lasting repression of witchcraft but also for the largest number of people persecuted for this crime, in relation to the population. In almost three centuries, 5,000 people were accused and 3,500 of them were put to death, mainly by fire, with 60 – 70% being women.

Chillon Castle was an important detention centre for people suspected of witchcraft, either when awaiting trail or carrying out their sentence. During the term of the Bernese bailiff, Nicolas de Watteville, from 1595 to 1601, some forty-odd people were executed at Chillon, La Tour-de-Peilz and Vevey. And 27 more in 1613! Their Excellencies of Bern noted “…with regret and sadness the extent to which the negation of God and submission to the evil spirit was growing among our subjects in the Romand (French-speaking) country.” (source Chateau de Chillon website).

Finally, some photos I took while walking around the castle.

     

Overall, I thought Château de Chillon was fascinating and beautiful.  It’s a great tour idea for kids!  If you are ever in the Swiss Riviera region, check it out.  Try to go in the late afternoon so you can see the sunset at the castle.  Absolutely amazing!

WTF, Vegas?

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What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…unless it’s funny & juicy, then it’s shared on my blog!  And, have I got some stories for y’all.  My BFF, Isina, joined me in the big LV for the weekend and we had a FAB-U-LOUS time!

Of course, y’all know how my luck rolls so craziness greeted us at the airport shuttle.  Isina is now a firm believer in the fact that I am a crazy people magnet.

Airport Shuttle AKA “WTF?”
Sigh.  This is going to be pretty long so sit back and make sure you have something to snack on.  Isina and I arrive at the Vegas airport and decide to take the airport shuttle since it was $7 (a taxi probably wouldn’t have been much more but we didn’t know that at the time).  We arrive at the shuttle stand, buy our tickets and find the proper line.  There are about 15 or so.  The queues are organized by number.  You’ll have 2 queues per stand (i.e. signs for shuttles 1 and 2 are in the same section).

We head for the sign that says “2” and stand in the queue thinking a shuttle will be along shortly (because the line was fairly long).  Wrong.  After 20 minutes, a bus sidles on up and fills up pretty quick so we are left to wait for the next shuttle…which takes another 20-25 minutes.  We are now towards the front of the line.  It’s not complicated and we have just seen that the system can work.  But, it wouldn’t be my story if things worked out perfectly.  So, as the second shuttles pulls up, we work out a plan that I will stay in line to make sure the bags make the shuttle and Isina will save us a seat.  Well, a rogue line that I hadn’t been paying attention to (they were loitering over by queue #3) made a mad dash and rushed onto the shuttle so those of us who had stood in line were left out.  I was like, “Wait a minute.  What just happened?”

Then I had a revelation.  You know who have the biggest problems with habitual line jumpers?  Old people.  They can’t handle it.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that they feel their time on earth could be up at any moment or what.  But, they will bust a cap over someone cutting in front of them.  I had the pleasure of witnessing 2 such incidents.  It all happened when the bus driver (who is now opening the back of the bus to start loading luggage) stated that if you are in line, you aren’t getting on the bus and need to move your bags because the bus is full.  Why did he say that?  That set it off.

Mr. Vernon Dursley (I swear he looked just like Harry Potter’s uncle) got this wild eye look and was like, “OH HELL NO!  WE WERE HERE FIRST!”  But that didn’t make any waves.  Then, he was like, “THEY JUMPED THE LINE!  THEY WEREN’T STANDING IN LINE #2.  I TOLD THEM THAT THE LINE STARTED AT THE OTHER END AND THEY SAID NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE ENOUGH ROOM ON THE BUS!!!  KICK THEIR ASSES OFF!!!  I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!!!  KENO DON’T PLAY ITSELF!!!  SHIT!”  The bus driver’s reply?  “I’M KICKING ALL THESE MUTHA FUCKAS OFF THE BUS!!!”  It was like he was speaking to himself but I was like, “Um, if you are kicking them off, does that mean there is room for us?”  Just sayin’.

Alas, he didn’t kick them off but he and Mr. Dursley started going at it.  Clearly, he doesn’t know how Mr. D can get…I mean, he made Harry live in a cupboard under the stairs for 9 years!  Get back on the shuttle, bus driver!!!  But, he decided to try his luck…because it’s Vegas, I guess.  Anyway, he disappears for a few minutes, then comes back and gets into it with Mr. D again.

Just long enough for another guy to show up.   This man had to be 104 years old if a day…he was wearing khaki pants pulled up to his nipples, a flowered shirt and had cotton in his ears…he was old y’all.  So, Father Time had been grinning and seemed to be in a happy place.  Then, it turned on a dime.  Another shuttle worker shows up to defuse the situation with the bus driver and Mr. D.  He’s a black guy who is probably in his mid-30s (who I will call Ice Cube).  So, as Cube is trying to calm down Mr. D, Father Time hops up and starts waving his shuttle receipt in Cube’s face and screams “WHAAAATTTT TTHHHEEE FUUUUCCKKK?”  I was like, “oh hell, here we go.”  Father Time then screams out “WHAT THE FUCK?  I’VE BEEN WAITING FORTY-FIVE MUTHA FUCKIN MINUTES FOR A MUTHA FUCKIN SHUTTLE AND IT HASN’T SHOWN UP MUTHA FUCKIN YET.  GIVE ME MY MUTHA FUCKIN REFUND BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP!”  Father Time is gangsta.  I wasn’t all that confident that he wasn’t carrying.

So, Cube was like, “Who the fuck is this old mutha fucka talking to?”  Then, he does something unexpected (and not very customer service friendly)…he starts screaming back at Father Time.  He says, “WHO THE FUCK YOU TALKIN TO?  YOU BETTA WATCH YO’SELF!  I DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT.  GET YO ASS BACK IN LINE OR GET THE FUCK OUT.  YOU AIN’T GOTTA TAKE A SHUTTLE…GET A FUCKIN CAB!!”  FT screams back, “GIVE ME A MUTHA FUCKIN’ REFUND AND I’LL TAKE A CAB.”  Cube, “AIN’T NO REFUNDS, BITCH (the bitch part was implied)!”  It just got really real y’all.

I was shocked that Father Time had such a potty mouth.  I mean, nobody knows when their time is up but when you are looking like Cocoon and clearly your number could be called any day…I just thought he’d be acting better.  You know how folks get religious when they get older to get a few more credits when they get to the Pearly Gates?  Like, “Hey Pete?  Can I call you Pete instead of Peter?  I mean, I feel like we’re boys since I read my Bible every day after I turned 50.  Can you tell Jesus I’m here?  Picked up my water at reception…just need him to turn it into some Chardonnay.  Thanks!”  Maybe Father Time had a slip up?  I mean, how are you going to explain the cuss out in Vegas to Peter???

Now, during this whole show, Isina had been looking for a taxi so she missed everything.  When she walked up, I calmly explained that she had missed a fight.  Because you don’t act all excited when crazy is close by.  You don’t know what could set them off again.  Kinda like earthquake aftershocks.

So, the shuttle finally takes off without us and the crazies on it.  That’s when Mr. D feels that he has found a friend in me and wants to talk it out.  Sigh.  Why?  This happens to me dang near every trip!  But, I listen as he explains what happened for the 10th time (like I wasn’t there when it happened or when he explained it the previous 9 times).  Here is a transcript of the convo:

Mr. Dursley:  DID YOU SEE THOSE PEOPLE JUMP THE LINE?  I TOLD THEM THAT THE LINE FOR SHUTTLE BUS 2 WAS AT THE OTHER END BUT THEY SAID IT WAS COOL AND THAT EVERYBODY COULD GET ON.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?  THEY JUMPED THE LINE AND RUSHED ONTO THE BUS?  PEOPLE LIKE THAT ARE A MENACE TO SOCIETY.
Me:  You are right.  I can’t believe it.  It’s shocking.
Mr. D:  Karma is going to come back and get them bad.  They will lose at every game they play.
Me: *giggling because he is now the white Celie from The Color Purple…all that was missing was the hand gesture with the fingers*  You are right, ugliness never wins, sir.
Mr. D:  I’m calling someone about this.
Me:  Yeah, you can’t let this go.

Mr. D then decides he’s exhausted telling the story to those around him and now needs to call up his homies.  So, he tells Mrs. D (Petunia) to watch the line and make sure no rogue jumpers cut in while he is 2 feet away screaming the story into his phone.  Mr. D gets on the phone and in the middle of telling his story, he sees a couple of women who are in line #3.  But, they apparently have drifted too close to line #2 because he pauses his phone call, gives a pointed look to Petunia cuz she is apparently slipping on the line protection job, and yells out to the women “ARE YOU WAITING FOR SHUTTLE BUS #2 BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU NEED TO GET TO THE END OF THE MUTHA FUCKIN LINE BECAUSE AIN’T GOING TO BE NO MORE LINE CUTTING AROUND HERE.  I’M MISSING OUT ON BLACKJACK BEHIND THIS SHIT.”  They were like, “No sir, we are waiting on shuttle #3.”  So he leaves them alone and goes back to his call.  After the call, he walks the 2 feet back to the head of the line, notices the 2 women again…and again says, ““ARE YOU WAITING FOR SHUTTLE BUS #2 BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU NEED TO GET TO THE END OF THE MUTHA FUCKIN LINE BECAUSE AIN’T GOING TO BE NO MORE LINE CUTTING AROUND HERE.”  They calmly tell him again that they were waiting on shuttle bus #3.  Five minutes pass… nobody has moved but he sees a leaf or something and takes notice of the 2 SAME LADIES FOR A THIRD TIME AND GOES THRU THE WHOLE THING AGAIN!  At this point, they are shutting him down and Mrs. D can’t be found because she is embarrassed.  I’m entertained.

After all of that, we finally get on the bus after Cube comes over and asks which bus we were waiting on.  As we are riding to the hotel, we see that the shuttle with the line jumpers had broken down right outside the airport.  Mr. D was like, “THAT’S KARMA BITCH!”  Glorious.

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Walk Like an Egyptian…

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“Naharak Saeed” (“Good Day”) from Egypt!  I struggled with how I would blog about my visit.  Egypt is complex, a bit schizophrenic & absolutely breathtaking.  I’ve been waiting my entire life to visit this magnificent place.  In one day, I found myself in awe of the great works that were achieved thousands of years ago…and then repulsed by current conditions.  As always, I’m planning to keep it real so you are going to get Egypt straight with no chaser.  I hope you are ready!

I read several books on Egypt in order to educate myself on the history & culture of the country.  The history of the pharaohs can get a bit complicated so I’ll try to simplify it as best I can.  I am going to give you a quick background so that you will understand my reaction to certain situations I recount later.

BACKGROUND

Religion

Islam is the official religion of Egypt (with about 90% of the people being Sunni Muslim) which means that it’s a pretty conservative country.  Women must cover up (long sleeves and pants even in the HOT sun) and drinking and gambling in public are frowned upon.  That already puts me out of the mix as I don’t like to be wearing a lot of clothes when it’s hot and how am I supposed to hit the jackpot without a cool alcoholic beverage to clear my mind?   However, I believe in trying to live like a local so I wore long pants and a long sleeved shirt (and reserved my drinking for home).

Gender Issues

I read an article a couple of years ago which focused on Egypt having a high rate of sexual harassment.  The article stated that Egyptian men think western women are “loose” (since we drink and wear tank tops).  If you expose a lot of skin, the men think this is an “invitation” and may expose their genitalia as an offer for sex.  Recently, I read an article on “Using social media tools to battle sexual harassment in Egypt” by Rima Abdelkader, NBC News which said “The Egyptian Center for Women’s Rights in Cairo called harassment in Egypt a ‘dangerous social cancer’ in a survey in 2008. The survey reported that 98 percent of foreign women were sexually harassed and 83 percent of Egyptian women experienced harassment throughout Egypt.”   I don’t know why the men just don’t import some of those erotic calendars from Pompeii.  They may not have access to the internet but they can certainly carry those calendars around to satisfy their lust.  I found them in a pocket-size version.  A little something for freaks on the go.

My guidebook also recommended that women not look a man directly in the eye as it is seen as an “invitation”.  That was hard for me because I am used to looking people in the eye as a show of respect (plus it shows that I’m listening to you).  If my eyes drift…so has my mind.  I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just how it is.  I think I suffer from adult ADD.  Anyway, I made sure to wear sunglasses the majority of the time because I didn’t want men thinking I’m soliciting them for sex.  But, um…there were some really good-looking men in Egypt 🙂

I also observed a man offer 5 camels to buy a woman from the man that she was with.  Apparently, in Egypt, camels are currency & women are commodities.  So, you could be walking along the Nile River and Ahkbar could just come up and be like, “I’ll give you 7 camels for Betty.”  It happens.  Better hope your boo doesn’t owe too much to Bank of America because you may be making papyrus on the Nile.

Environmental, Health & Safety Issues

We were told COUNTLESS times not to drink the water or eat any uncooked food.  While this is what you hear whenever you go to Mexico, it’s on a whole new level in Egypt.  I will cover this in more detail in the next post on Cairo (as that is when it really hit home).  This was the most shocking and disappointing aspect to the trip.

Poverty

Egypt has a 50% unemployment rate.  I will touch upon this issue in the next blog post since it has not only a rural impact but a major urban one as well.  This is where “hustlin’” was born.  I thought it was bad in the Dominican Republic.  They are amateurs compared to the Egyptians.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  There has been a lot of governmental corruption so be prepared for me to get on my soap box. 

What is Egypt like?  I think the answer is different for each person.  It’s all in what you make of it.  If you love history (like me) then you will be able to see past the crazy, absurd and disappointing to focus on the beauty of this African country.  So, let’s get started! 

ALEXANDRIA

We arrived in Alexandria around 6am…just in time to see the sun rise.  I could hardly sleep the night before in anticipation for what I’d get to see.  The first thing I notice as we pull into port is that the water in the harbor is dirty and there are sunken ships (which were actually pretty cool).  

Alexandria is the capital where Cleopatra ruled from 51-30 BC.  The city was named for Alexander the Great when he conquered Egypt from the Persians.   The story of Cleopatra is fascinating.  One thing I did not realize is that she was a descendant of Greeks (Ptolemy, who was a general of Alexander the Great).  Cleo was highly educated (she spoke 8 languages) and hard core (she killed her sister in order to have the throne).  A big thing back in the day was for sisters and brothers to marry each other and procreate in order to keep the royal bloodline going.  Of course, this resulted in genetic deformities and poor health for the offspring (see the latest article on the DNA testing of King Tut) as well as a touch of the crazy.  Anyway, Cleo was married off to her brother (Ptolemy XIII aka “P13”) but she was like, “this is gross and I’m out.” So, she ended up falling out with him and Julius Caesar had to resolve the conflict of who should rule Egypt.  P13 thought he could outsmart his sister and keep her from using her charms to get Caesar to rule in her favor.  But, he underestimated her.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  Cleo had herself rolled up in a carpet and was taken right past her brother’s guards in the palace to Caesar.   She put her charms on, was granted the right to rule Egypt and made Caesar her first baby-daddy.

After Caesar was killed (“et tu, Brutus?” is one of my favorite lines), Cleo put her charms on Marc Antony and had 3 kids by him.  Marc ended up living in Alexandria and boozing it up.  When he was defeated by Octavian (Caesar’s heir to the Roman throne and his rival), he was told that Cleo was dead.  So, he killed himself.  Cleo actually wasn’t dead and when she found out Marc had committed suicide and she had lost the throne to Egypt, she killed herself by having a deadly snake, an asp, bite her.  It’s so tragic.  Her kids ended up being taken to Rome where the boys were killed so they wouldn’t pose a threat to Octavian but her daughter, Cleopatra Selene, was allowed to live and ended up becoming the Queen of Mauretania.

     

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