Online Dating…That Shi* Cray

Lord help me.  I decided to give online dating another try.  Why?  Because all of my fabulousness overwhelms me so I need to siphon it off onto someone else (not because I seem to have inadvertently gotten on the distribution list…I’m not that old yet, y’all).   Ha!  So, I paid my money and decided to try my luck.  I figure that you have to weed thru the crazies in real life so this may make it a bit easier.  But you know what I have found?  Crazy can be overwhelming in concentrated doses.  My observations so far…

Profile Pictures

First, what is the deal with taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror?  Don’t you have any friends?  Maybe a neighbor?  Or even a timer on the camera?  If I have to see one more camera-phone glamour shot, I am going to scream.  It’s like picture in picture.  I’m distracted by what type of phone you have and if that is a Otterbox case.  Don’t do that to me.  Phone a friend.  Second, put some clothes on.  I said it.  Especially if you want to take a chest picture and you look like Notorious B.I.G.  I can’t take it.  Third, don’t put the Christmas picture with your child on the dating website.  Bobby Jr. isn’t looking for love…he’s looking for his pacifier.  Third, don’t put your wedding photo with a black X over the face of your ex-wife.  Seriously.  You have other photos to use.  That ain’t winning you any matches.  Fourth, stop posing next to a luxury car or in front of some McMansion to show your wealth.  I don’t believe it.  Real rich folks don’t advertise like that.  That is how you get robbed.

The Dating Pool

I’ve found that, typically, matches fall into the following categories…what my friends and I like to call “The Dirty Dozen”:

1.  Mr. Pop Pops =  I set age limits for a reason.  I’m not opposed to expanding the limit by a couple of years…but if you are 65, please don’t send me a wink.  I’m not trying to meet up with you for the Early Bird Special.  That’s gross.  I mean, I thought Morgan Freeman was great in Shawshank Redemption but I’m not trying to date him.  And, really…after my experience in Vegas, I don’t think I can handle another old man screaming out “WTF?” when the shuttle bus doesn’t arrive on time.

2.  Mr. Delusional =  This is the guy who has described himself as “athletic & toned” but looks like Mr. Dursley from Harry Potter.  This is also the guy that has used up the 26 picture allotment on his supposed “Maserati/Jaguar/BMW/Bugatti”, “luxury home”, and other assorted karate kicking/’staring off into the distance with a suit and briefcase’ photos.

3.  Mr. Crazypants = I will say this…I appreciate people who showcase crazy in their profile descriptions.  I prefer to read the crazy than hear about it over drinks (where I can’t make a quick escape).  Case in point, here is an actual excerpt from a guy’s profile (note that he would also qualify under #9 Functionally Illiterate):

” I’m 100% HETERO however I’m very kinky with the right woman!Im a butt man so she has to have a NICE BOOTY Meaning any size, just has to be kissable,lickable and look good in jeans,panties etc.. lol :)I enjoy the entire female anatomy (ALL 3 HOLES)Yes!!! Even Anal. 🙂 Its a shame i have to be this honest but some people dont read, some people dont pay attention and some people dont get it. Okay.. Back to the profile. Yes..I know.. Im a But im respectful and honest. kissing,cuddling, hand griping,sweaty palms lots of romance,passion. MMM…WHEW! But I need to find my queen, She should be emotionally & mentally stable(FREAK IN THE SHEETS & WOMAN IN THE STREETS)Otherwise im Abstinent. One reason is because i have herpes, got it from a dishonest ex. Yes im honest. If you have to many hang ups,claim you want a honest man but have a problem with my honesty.(Dont judge me) If you do, your the hypocrite… Please keep it moving.”

That is a strict cut and paste with no edits.  I know it’s crazy.  How does emotionally & mentally stable = freak in the sheets & woman in the streets?  And this is after he talks about sweaty palms, hand “griping” and being freaky with anal sex even tho he is abstinent because he has herpes?  What?  Oh, but he is respectful.  Can’t forget that.  Too many contradictions to discuss.  Cray cray.  Alas, I opted to “keep it moving.”  In fact, after I read that, I just shut down my laptop and went upstairs to take a shower.

4.  Mr. Married But Looking =  This is the guy who is “Currently Separated” which really means that he is still married but stepping out.  Some of the wives don’t even realize this until their friend, Betty, tells them that Leroy is on Plenty of Fish with the screen name “BigDaddyLovaLova”.  I’m gonna need to see a notarized divorce decree, buddy.

5.  Mr. Love Jones = This is the guy that sends you an email with some sort of poem…that is clearly a template used for all of his initial correspondence.  “I want to run my fingers thru your long, flowing hair”  Uh, my hair is neither long or flowing.  But thanks.  I feel like I should be snapping my fingers while reading his flowery words of love.  “Your eyes light a fire in my soul and looking at your picture, I realize that my life was shades of grey until I met you and now I see all the colors of the rainbow.”  *dead*

6.  Mr. Baby Daddy =  If your profile lists 3 or more kids under “Children” and Relationship Status as “Never Married”…well, sorry.  You seem to be high risk for being a “Cootie Carrier.”  I can’t afford to take that risk since I’m recovering from water cancer.

7.  Mr. Imposter = This is the guy with a profile picture of Sonny Corinthos from General Hospital.  You know that ain’t you.  I’m pretty sure Neil from Young & the Restless isn’t on with the profile name of “thuglovin2012.”  One guy had a profile picture of Shemar Moore with the screen name “LuvDokta” and has his profession listed as a Harvard educated cardio-thoracic surgeon.  I almost asked if his name was Preston Burke.  I guess times are tough after Dr. Christina Yang left him at the altar at the end of Season 2.

8.  Mr. Ron Burgundy =  This is the guy who is full of himself.  You know the ones I’m referring to.  “I used to play basketball overseas…I’m a baller and looking for a WOMAN who can handle me both on and OFF the court.”  He usually uses the “$” in his profile name.  That lets you know that you are dealing with someone who has dollar bills.  That’$ right.  Sigh.  I just don’t have it in me to respond.  But, I am super excited that Anchorman 2 is coming out!

9.  Mr. Functionally Illiterate = Sigh.  Why do I get a headache trying to figure out what he is saying?  And for the record, “conversate” is NOT.A.WORD!  Lord Almighty!  If I have to read, “Im jussa kool dude lookin fo a bangin women to conversate wit” I’m gonna scream.  Fellas, please know that is okay to use the singular form “woman” when referring to 1 female.  Women is not the catch-all for 1 or more ladies.  It refers to 2 or more females.  If in doubt, please use spell-check.  It’s your friend, not your enemy.

10.  Mr. Crazy Fetish =  I respect that some people have different interests.  But taking pictures with your metal lunchbox collection that is displayed on your dining room table with the caption, “lunchbox lovin”?  That is too much.

11.  Mr. Race Relations = This is the guy who states explicitly in the first line of his profile that he DOES NOT date black women (even though he may actually be black himself).  But he emails you to let you know that he will make an exception for you.  Um, thanks????  But I don’t need affirmative action to help level the dating playing field.

12.  Mr. Right = I haven’t found him yet but I am confident that he is out there…somewhere.  Seriously.  Help me find him, y’all.  It takes a village.

I’ve pre-paid for 3 months of this.  Pray for me.

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