Online Dating…That Shi* Cray

May 26, 2012May 26, 20122 Comments

Lord help me. I decided to give online dating another try. Why? Because all of my fabulousness overwhelms me so I need to siphon it off onto someone else (not because I seem to have inadvertently gotten on the seniorsingles.com distribution list…I’m not that old yet, y’all). Ha! So, I paid my money and decided to try my luck. I figure that you have to weed thru the crazies in real life so this may make it a bit easier. But you know what I have found? Crazy can be overwhelming in concentrated doses. My observations so far…

Profile Pictures

First, what is the deal with taking a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror? Don’t you have any friends? Maybe a neighbor? Or even a timer on the camera? If I have to see one more camera-phone glamour shot, I am going to scream. It’s like picture in picture. I’m distracted by what type of phone you have and if that is a Otterbox case. Don’t do that to me. Phone a friend. Second, put some clothes on. I said it. Especially if you want to take a chest picture and you look like Notorious B.I.G. I can’t take it. Third, don’t put the Christmas picture with your child on the dating website. Bobby Jr. isn’t looking for love…he’s looking for his pacifier. Third, don’t put your wedding photo with a black X over the face of your ex-wife. Seriously. You have other photos to use. That ain’t winning you any matches. Fourth, stop posing next to a luxury car or in front of some McMansion to show your wealth. I don’t believe it. Real rich folks don’t advertise like that. That is how you get robbed.

The Dating Pool

I’ve found that, typically, matches fall into the following categories…what my friends and I like to call “The Dirty Dozen”:

1. Mr. Pop Pops = I set age limits for a reason. I’m not opposed to expanding the limit by a couple of years…but if you are 65, please don’t send me a wink. I’m not trying to meet up with you for the Early Bird Special. That’s gross. I mean, I thought Morgan Freeman was great in Shawshank Redemption but I’m not trying to date him. And, really…after my experience in Vegas, I don’t think I can handle another old man screaming out “WTF?” when the shuttle bus doesn’t arrive on time.

2. Mr. Delusional = This is the guy who has described himself as “athletic & toned” but looks like Mr. Dursley from Harry Potter. This is also the guy that has used up the 26 picture allotment on his supposed “Maserati/Jaguar/BMW/Bugatti”, “luxury home”, and other assorted karate kicking/’staring off into the distance with a suit and briefcase’ photos.

3. Mr. Crazypants = I will say this…I appreciate people who showcase crazy in their profile descriptions. I prefer to read the crazy than hear about it over drinks (where I can’t make a quick escape). Case in point, here is an actual excerpt from a guy’s profile (note that he would also qualify under #9 Functionally Illiterate):

” I’m 100% HETERO however I’m very kinky with the right woman!Im a butt man so she has to have a NICE BOOTY Meaning any size, just has to be kissable,lickable and look good in jeans,panties etc.. lol :)I enjoy the entire female anatomy (ALL 3 HOLES)Yes!!! Even Anal. 🙂 Its a shame i have to be this honest but some people dont read, some people dont pay attention and some people dont get it. Okay.. Back to the profile. Yes..I know.. Im a freak.lol But im respectful and honest. kissing,cuddling, hand griping,sweaty palms lots of romance,passion. MMM…WHEW! But I need to find my queen, She should be emotionally & mentally stable(FREAK IN THE SHEETS & WOMAN IN THE STREETS)Otherwise im Abstinent. One reason is because i have herpes, got it from a dishonest ex. Yes im honest. If you have to many hang ups,claim you want a honest man but have a problem with my honesty.(Dont judge me) If you do, your the hypocrite… Please keep it moving.”

That is a strict cut and paste with no edits. I know it’s crazy. How does emotionally & mentally stable = freak in the sheets & woman in the streets? And this is after he talks about sweaty palms, hand “griping” and being freaky with anal sex even tho he is abstinent because he has herpes? What? Oh, but he is respectful. Can’t forget that. Too many contradictions to discuss. Cray cray. Alas, I opted to “keep it moving.” In fact, after I read that, I just shut down my laptop and went upstairs to take a shower.

4. Mr. Married But Looking = This is the guy who is “Currently Separated” which really means that he is still married but stepping out. Some of the wives don’t even realize this until their friend, Betty, tells them that Leroy is on Plenty of Fish with the screen name “BigDaddyLovaLova”. I’m gonna need to see a notarized divorce decree, buddy.

5. Mr. Love Jones = This is the guy that sends you an email with some sort of poem…that is clearly a template used for all of his initial correspondence. “I want to run my fingers thru your long, flowing hair” Uh, my hair is neither long or flowing. But thanks. I feel like I should be snapping my fingers while reading his flowery words of love. “Your eyes light a fire in my soul and looking at your picture, I realize that my life was shades of grey until I met you and now I see all the colors of the rainbow.” *dead*

6. Mr. Baby Daddy = If your profile lists 3 or more kids under “Children” and Relationship Status as “Never Married”…well, sorry. You seem to be high risk for being a “Cootie Carrier.” I can’t afford to take that risk since I’m recovering from water cancer.

7. Mr. Imposter = This is the guy with a profile picture of Sonny Corinthos from General Hospital. You know that ain’t you. I’m pretty sure Neil from Young & the Restless isn’t on match.com with the profile name of “thuglovin2012.” One guy had a profile picture of Shemar Moore with the screen name “LuvDokta” and has his profession listed as a Harvard educated cardio-thoracic surgeon. I almost asked if his name was Preston Burke. I guess times are tough after Dr. Christina Yang left him at the altar at the end of Season 2.

8. Mr. Ron Burgundy = This is the guy who is full of himself. You know the ones I’m referring to. “I used to play basketball overseas…I’m a baller and looking for a WOMAN who can handle me both on and OFF the court.” He usually uses the “$” in his profile name. That lets you know that you are dealing with someone who has dollar bills. That’$ right. Sigh. I just don’t have it in me to respond. But, I am super excited that Anchorman 2 is coming out!

9. Mr. Functionally Illiterate = Sigh. Why do I get a headache trying to figure out what he is saying? And for the record, “conversate” is NOT.A.WORD! Lord Almighty! If I have to read, “Im jussa kool dude lookin fo a bangin women to conversate wit” I’m gonna scream. Fellas, please know that is okay to use the singular form “woman” when referring to 1 female. Women is not the catch-all for 1 or more ladies. It refers to 2 or more females. If in doubt, please use spell-check. It’s your friend, not your enemy.

10. Mr. Crazy Fetish = I respect that some people have different interests. But taking pictures with your metal lunchbox collection that is displayed on your dining room table with the caption, “lunchbox lovin”? That is too much.

11. Mr. Race Relations = This is the guy who states explicitly in the first line of his profile that he DOES NOT date black women (even though he may actually be black himself). But he emails you to let you know that he will make an exception for you. Um, thanks???? But I don’t need affirmative action to help level the dating playing field.

12. Mr. Right = I haven’t found him yet but I am confident that he is out there…somewhere. Seriously. Help me find him, y’all. It takes a village.

I’ve pre-paid for 3 months of this. Pray for me.

Race Series: A Letter from Heaven…Cuz that’s Where I’m at After the Warrior Dash

May 22, 2012November 1, 20128 Comments

Old Nikki…unaware of what is about to happen.

The Warrior Dash is billed as “The World’s Largest Running Series”. Not sure what type of process they had to go thru for this “certification”. The race is 3.2 miles of running & obstacles (swimming, climbing over shit, crawling thru mud with some glass & hypodermic needles thrown in [I may have made that last part up], and running thru hot fiyah). My colleague, Jeff, talked me into doing this and after reviewing the information and “obstacles” listed on the website, I wasn’t all that worried. I’m training for a marathon so this couldn’t be that hard, right? WRONG. See me in the picture there on the left? Looking all clean and smiling because I didn’t know that I would have to run thru the bowels of hell? Yeah, I miss her. I think I lost her at mile 1.5.

Fake obstacle course…maybe that’s the first obstacle. To fool you into thinking it’s not that hard.

The race was being held in north Georgia (close to the South Carolina state line) in Mountain City. I picked up Jeff and we headed north to meet up with Glenn, another work colleague. Which…I’m just going to put this out there. Clearly all 3 of us don’t have good decision-making abilities. But, I digress. Jeff is worried that the paramedics will have to airlift him to a hospital during the race. I laugh (or Old Nikki in the photo above laughed…she’s dead now). I had studied the obstacle course (which I have provided for your viewing pleasure) like it was a treasure map. I was confident in what to expect. Like I had read What To Expect When You are Expecting (To Run an Obstacle Course). I figured that it wouldn’t be that difficult. I mean, it’s only 3.2 miles and 13 obstacles. I even had a strategy. I know! I thought I was prepared. Spoiler alert — I was not.

On our way to the race, Jeff and I speculate about how many other people of color we would see. His response? “I think I’m looking at it.” Now, normally you don’t see black folks crawling in mud and trudging across a lake for sport…there needs to be a good reason (like life or death). That’s not what we do. But, it’s 2012. Obama is POTUS. Anything is possible, people. Change we can believe in, y’all. I held out hope that I wouldn’t be the only brown person there. Luckily, I saw a few others. There weren’t many…but change starts small. See? I’m spreading the word now. So to my black people…go out and do this race! Don’t worry about the title and how I said I died. You may live!

Apparently this is the pre-party/race area.

After we park, there is a shuttle that takes you to the actual event. Once we arrive at the venue, we notice an ambulance speeding away with sirens blaring (Clue #1). As we are walking up a hill (Clue #2 because I hadn’t even considered hills would be involved) we pass people who had completed the race and they looked a hot, sizzling mess (Clue #3). Before we get to the registration desk, we see a girl laid out on a freaking STRETCHER and she WAS.NOT.MOVING. (Clue #4). By this time, Jeff has started providing statistics of our chances of getting injured (which did not calm me one bit). I tried to divert our attention by looking at the costumes. Because most folks dressed up as something. We saw Sesame Street characters, Borat (and trust me that a man running in a thong is not cute), a lady wearing a wedding gown…pretty much everything you could think of. Which should have been Clue #5 but I didn’t realize it at the time. That lulled me into a sense of calm…like it couldn’t be that bad. I’m looking at crazy but I don’t recognize the crazy. I’m part of it.

Before I get into the details of actually running this race, I do need to give Leap Frog Events some praise. They had the Warrior Dash event organized like a well-oiled machine (except for when it came time to claim my free beer but I’m not going to deal with that now). The race starts in 30 minute waves. But, while you may register for a 4pm wave, it seemed like you could run in any wave throughout the day. Registration was fast and easy. Race swag includes a cotton t-shirt, medal, 1 free beer and a fuzzy warrior helmet (I will be wearing it this winter so get ready). There is also a huge party at the finish line (complete with a DJ and folks doing the “Wobble”…I kid you not). It was awesome.

Starting line…these fools have no idea what is about to happen. Unless they are repeat fools (folks that do this every year…someone I’m about to be).

The Race

We line up towards the back of the wave so we don’t have to deal with the Bruce Jenners trying to actually race. It starts out with a pretty easy 1/2 mile run slightly uphill. Now, my strategy was based on the obstacle course map above where the water obstacles were at the end. In my mind, this was great because I wouldn’t have to run in water-logged shoes. I should’ve known that made too much sense to be real.

Obstacles 1-3

So, when I see the first obstacle is crossing a muddy LAKE by either walking (in water that at some points is higher than me) or swimming, I immediately was like, “this wasn’t in the marketing materials!” I end up behind some guys dressed as KISS (and using their inflatable guitars as flotation devices…genius. I’m totally going as Prince next year). We finally make it across the lake (all while I’m praying there aren’t any flesh-eating bacteria in there). And as soon as we exit the lake, we have to crawl through mud (and what I am going to assume was mixed with glass because my elbows and knees are scraped to hell) under barbed wire for a bit, then go thru some mesh. Then it’s time to run some more. It’s an easy run (which I knew was too good to last).

Obstacle 4

Another freaking lake? WTF? Why the hell wasn’t this on the map? I walk out to the pier, jump into the lake, sink to the bottom to my death (then back up to the top to my resurrection which I am sure will be short-lived). We had to swim out to a floating obstacle…with shoes weighing you down. This is where things get dicey. I realize that my upper body strength training didn’t work a damn as I couldn’t get my big ass on that buoy. So, Jeff has to pull me up while some poor soul is either helping me by lifting my ass or just copping a feel (which…really? Don’t you see I’m in a life or death situation?). After crossing over the floating obstacles, we have to jump right back into the muddy lake and swim to shore. I got water in my nose and what I thought was my lungs. I’m running and snorting water thinking “I now have water cancer.” Don’t judge me…that could be real. Then it’s time for a new obstacle.

Obstacle 5

Rope climbing. This obstacle was actually on the map and I was dreading it. Now that I know that I have the upper strength of a toddler (or that my arms can’t handle the weight from my hips and thighs…there really isn’t a comforting answer to any of this), I just drop my head. But I’m not a quitter. My Mom read The Little Engine That Could to me when I was little. But I’m pretty sure that Little Engine never had to climb ropes. He only had to climb a mountain and he had the help of an engine so I call cheating. Aaaannnyyyway, I square my shoulders, grab the rope and start climbing…then stop. WTF? Why am I so freaking heavy? And why are other folks climbing over this wall like monkeys? Is my rope defective? So I climb down and try a new one (water cancer causes dementia). Same thing. After what feels like 45 minutes, I finally make it to the top. But now it’s time to actually go over the wall. And The Count from Sesame Street is trying to get on the rope. I’m not finished, buddy. Count the seconds until you see me hit the ground. Finally, I make it over and climb down. Then it’s time to run thru a MUDDY FOREST! Over snakes and tree trunks. Lord help me. This goes on for another 1/2 mile.

New Resurrected Nikki rocking the fuzzy warrior helmet…part of the Fall 2012 Mental Illness Line.

Obstacle 6

I don’t even know what this obstacle is called. You have to climb a wall where the little ledges are spaced about 6 feet apart. It was at this point that I seriously considered skipping it like so many others that had bypassed obstacles that looked too hard. But I refused to quit (and I knew I’d never hear the end of it from my colleagues). Instead, I made a call. It went like this, “Are you there God? It’s me, Nikki. Um, help please?” Somehow, someway, I made it to the top only to find out that I would have to slide down a pole (which was a good distance from the wall). WTH?? The race attendant had to talk me down like I was suicidal. Our conversation went a little like this:

Me: “WTF is this, John?” (I don’t know if that was his name but water cancer makes you want to re-name folks…it also makes you have anger management issues).

John?: “Just lean forward and wrap your legs around the pole.”

Me: “Do I look like a stripper? I don’t know how to do this!”

John?: “Just lean into the pole, it will be okay.”

Me: “This doesn’t look safe. Has this obstacle been certified by a safety inspector?”

John?: *blank stare*

Me: “If I die, I’m totally coming back to haunt your ass.”

I did as he instructed, made it down the pole and promptly hurt my hip because I landed too fast. John, you mutherfucker! This is going to worsen my water cancer. I think I’m now Stage 3 at this point. And as it’s time to run again, I see a mile marker sign that says “1.5 miles completed.” MUTHERFUCKER! I’m not even halfway done with this yet? OMG! That’s when Old Nikki died. Right there at the 1.5 mile marker. Apparently, the water cancer was more aggressive than I first thought. Out of her ashes, New Nikki arose. And she was PISSED that she had to run 1.7 more miles of obstacles.

Obstacles…I don’t even care

Seriously? I climbed over waist-high walls, under more barbed wire, slid down a water slide made of trash bags, climbed over crashed up cars, hurdled over some hot fire and crawled thru mud under more barbed wire (seriously with the barbed wire? Are they a sponsor or something?). Finally, there is the finish line…I almost thought it was another obstacle. Like, “PSYCHE! YOU AIN’T DONE YET. THAT WAS ANOTHER OBSTACLE…A MENTAL ONE. GET TO RUNNING, BITCH!” But, it turned out to be real. And as soon as I was done, I proclaimed that I would NEVA EVA do that again.

Then, as we are listening to The Humpty Dance (yes, you read that right), we decided to put together a team to do Tough Mudder. Which is almost the same except it’s 12 miles instead of 3.2 and the barbed wire is electrified with 10,000 volts of electricity. You know you want to do this too! Clearly I suffer from some sort of mental illness…maybe the water cancer is back?

After we pick up our items from bag check, I ask the lady where the showers are (as I know there has to be a place to wash all the mud off). She points in a vague direction and says, “you just wash off in the lake.” I gave her the side-eye then trudged to the lake (my 3rd of the day) to wash up like my name is Laura Ingalls and this creek is my way of getting clean before Pa asks me why I flipped Almonzo off at the 2 mile marker while yelling “WHY THE HELL DID YOU LET ME DO THIS?”

Overall, this race was actually awesome. I know I complained (and died of water cancer)…it’s hard! But, it was also fun. And, the after party is a riot. It was a good time. If you read this, then you should now be prepared to be a warrior. So, register (and then join me for Tough Mudder in 2013)!

P.S. I had to fly to Oregon on business the next freaking day. I travel ALL THE TIME and never forget to pack major items. But, when I start to get dressed for work the next morning, I realized that I had forgotten to pack my bras. Not only am I apparently out of water cancer remission, I now suffer from Warrior Dash PTSD. Lord help me.

One Day in Paris

February 8, 2012December 8, 20142 Comments

December 29, 2011

What would you do if you had only 1 day to experience the enchanting city of Paris?

Bonjour! Aaron, Joyce, Stefanie, Luciana (“The Crew”) and I decide to take a day trip to Paris from London. While this is my third trip to this intoxicating city, it’s the first visit for my co-travellers. The great thing about this city is that you can always find something new to discover! We ended up fitting about 3 days worth of sightseeing into 11 hours. It was glorious! If you plan to do a day trip, be sure to get lots of sleep and wear comfortable shoes because it will wear you out! I’ve covered Paris in 3 other blog posts so most of the info in this post will be high-level (with links throughout to posts with more detail).

* Just a quick note that this post is going to get risqué by the end since I will be recapping my visit to the Museum of Erotica…you’ve been warned 🙂

Our schedule for the day:

7:01 Depart London St.-Pancras, set our watch 1 hour ahead

10:17 Arrive in Paris, take Metro to Notre-Dame

10:30 Explore Notre-Dame

11:00 Lunch at a French cafe in Ile de la Cite

12:00 Walking tour of the Latin Quarter, Tuileries Gardens, the Louvre, Ile de la Cite/Ile St. Louis, Saint-Chappelle, Deportation Memorial, Pont Neuf, La Comedie Francaise, Opera Garnier, Palais Royale, Place de La Concorde, Palais de Justice, Pantheon, Champs-Elysees.

3:00 Visit Montmartre area (Sacre-Coeur, Moulin Rouge and Musee de l’erotisme)

6:00 Visit the Eiffel Tower

7:00 Dinner at a French cafe. Be back at Gare du Nord (train station) by 8:25pm.

9:13 Depart Paris for London (arrive in London at 10:36)

The Crew & I are up at 4:30am to get dressed and take the Tube to St. Pancras station to catch the 7:01am train to Paris. OMG, it’s early y’all. Eurostar requires you to check-in at least 30 minutes prior to the train leaving (you also need to account for time to go through security…so budget about 45 minutes or so). After we check-in, we get breakfast and hang out until it’s time to leave.

Once we board the train, it’s about 2 1/2 hour ride to Paris. We decide to use this time to take a nap.

We arrive in Paris around 10:30am (Paris is 1 hour ahead of London) and get on the Paris Metro. Quick tip: I purchased our Metro tickets in advance thru Rail Europe (at the same time as our train tickets) and this saved us so much time. The lines for tickets had about a 20 minute wait. I just bought day passes so we wouldn’t have to worry about purchasing travel tickets each time we rode the Metro. It definitely helped us spend more time sightseeing than worrying about logistics.

We hop on the Metro and head towards the Notre Dame stop. As we exit the train station, we come upon Palais de Justice.

Our first stop was the beautiful Notre Dame Cathedral (also known as Our Lady of Paris). This magnificent cathedral took 185 years to complete (1160 – 1345). The builders used the popular Gothic style and it’s noted for its flying buttresses. It has been thru many alterations since completion in order to keep it current with modern conveniences.

In 1793, during the French Revolution, the cathedral was rededicated to the Cult of Reason, and then to the Cult of the Supreme Being. During this time, many of the treasures of the cathedral were either destroyed or plundered. The statues of biblical kings of Judah (erroneously thought to be kings of France) were beheaded. Many of the heads were found during a 1977 excavation nearby and are on display at the Musée de Cluny. For a time, Lady Liberty replaced the Virgin Mary on several altars. The cathedral’s great bells managed to avoid being melted down. The cathedral came to be used as a warehouse for the storage of food (source Wikipedia). I find the French Revolution fascinating (I mean, seriously, how out of touch did the royals have to be?). You can read my comical take on the origins of the French Revolution in my Versailles recap titled E True Versailles Story: Royals Gone Wild.

The exterior of the church is absolutely breathtaking. You can see the kings of Judah as well as the Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus.

The inside of the cathedral was beautiful and serene. All cathedrals have the same layout (in the form of a cross). It’s a very overwhelming and calming experience.

After we leave Notre Dame, we walk to Ile St. Louis (“St. Louis island) and stop for lunch at a little cafe called Le Flore en L’Ile (where they serve the famous Berthillon ice cream). Ile St. Louis is the high-rent residential area of Paris (Johnny Depp has an apartment here!).

We walk past the back of the Notre-Dame and go to the Deportation Memorial. I’ve been to this area twice before and never noticed this garden nestled among the trees. The Memorial de la Deportation is a memorial to the 200,000 French victims of Nazi concentration camps.

Then we cross the Seine…

…and see the “love locks”. Couples who marry place locks along the bridge and throw the key into the river to signify that their love cannot be broken. No idea what the folks do who have combination locks (maybe those signify pre-nups).

We walk along the Seine towards the Louvre and pass thru the Latin Quarter. I cover my tour of the Louvre pretty thoroughly in my Paris Ooh La La post (it also includes a recap of the Paris Ghost Tour which was so entertaining).

While Joyce & Stefanie toured the Louvre; Aaron, Ciana and I took the Metro to Montmartre to visit Sacre-Coeur. “The Basilica of the Sacred Heart of Paris, commonly known as Sacré-Cœur Basilica, is a Roman Catholic church and minor basilica. A popular landmark, the basilica is located at the summit of the butte Montmartre, the highest point in the city. Sacré-Cœur is a double monument, political and cultural, both a national penance for the supposed excesses of the Second Empire and socialist Paris Commune of 1871 crowning its most rebellious neighborhood, and an embodiment of conservative moral order, publicly dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, which was an increasingly popular vision of a loving and sympathetic Christ. The Sacré-Cœur Basilica was designed by Paul Abadie. Construction began in 1875 and was finished in 1914. It was consecrated after the end of World War I in 1919.” (source, Wikipedia)

Climbing up the steps to reach Sacre-Coeur is a workout in and of itself. My glutes were on fire! But the view is phenomenal and well worth it.

While the view is fantastic, let me warn you that the pickpockets are out in full effect. Due to this area being extremely crowded, thieves are always on the lookout for something free. Sigh. I covered my own “attempted” pickpocket experience in The Wonderful World of Paris post. You already know I had a “I wish a mutha-*&!@ would pickpocket me today!” attitude. Ha!

After we leave Sacre-Coeur, we decided to stroll through the artsy Montmartre neighborhood. An interesting fun fact to know is that many artists had studios or worked around the community of Montmartre (such as Salvador Dalí, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso and Vincent van Gogh).

We pass by a sweet shop and couldn’t resist going in. I love how happy sugar-filled shops are 🙂

As we were chatting and walking down Boulevard de Clichy, I started to notice something. Every store seemed to have a theme. Now, if you have tender sensibilities, are under the age of 18 or are my Mom, stop reading, k? If you want to read but don’t want to admit to your inner freak, then go on and close the door. I’ll wait.

Wait…what? Does the sign on that store say “Pussy’s”? I don’t see any cats. Is that a pimp leaning up against the wall? OMG, this is the French “Hustle & Flow”. Now I’ve got that “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” song in my head and I’m gonna be saying ‘mane’ like Terrence Howard. FRACK. I HATE THAT SONG!

How did we stumble into the freak nasty section of Paris? Why didn’t I see this in Rick Steves? What startled me was that you just kinda came up on it and it was like, “BAM…take off your drawers/panties.” If you have a heavy sexual appetite, this smorgasbord of sex is for you. When I was in Amsterdam, I expected freak fest (and let’s be honest…you know you would’ve been all over this too, k?).

We had about 30 minutes to kill until we met back up with Joyce & Stefanie so we end up going to the Musee de l’erotisme (Museum of Erotica) which was about 10 Euro. Let me just say that you are not ready for this place. Seriously. I thought it would be some sort of campy “museum” but this turned out to be a full-on 7 level museum dedicated to all forms of erotica. And, it took us much longer than 30 minutes to go through the entire place. I am not ashamed to admit I learned something! For those of you “innocents” out there, this is the time for you to put on some pearls so you can get to clutching.

I was not ready. And, y’all aren’t either. Which is why I’m taking you on the tour with me (yes, I was *that girl* who whipped out the camera and giggled or said “shut the front door!” while taking pictures for y’all. You’re welcome).

So let’s get started. First, let me say that this turned into my birthday present for my cousin, Aaron (since we were in Paris on his special day). Second, even he was shocked which is saying something. Third — Mom, are you still reading this? Aaron made me go in. I was fine with visiting the cathedrals 🙂

This is the first thing I see when we enter the museum…

Um, what kind of chair is this? And, is it for sale?

Then it was on to these gems:

Each floor as a “theme”. They start you off tame…then it gets freakier each level you ascend. The first floor was dedicated to the “religious” and cultural aspects of sex across the world. The big dildo you see above? That’s “prayer wood”. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Wooo, stop it. I cannot see taking that to Zion Hill Baptist Church and shouting out “CALLING ALL PRAYER WARRIORS!”

Have you been looking for some new sandals for the summer? Well here you go.

Oh yes, you are seeing right. Dildo sandals. I believe they may be multi-purpose.

Then we get to the Japanese proverbs. This stuff is golden. I heard a guy saying “this is deep, man.” (you can click on the photos to enlarge).

Then there was the “pillow book”which is basically a how-to manual to subjugate women *eye roll*…

Next is the Chinese version of the “Kama Sutra”.

We then head to the next level which is all about brothels.

You can see photos of some of the “working girls” and the ledger of how much pimps/madams made.

Below is an excerpt of a book which basically said that prostitutes became lesbians out of boredom or because they hated how they were treated by men.

Keep in mind that there are a lot of photos but I only took a handful on each floor…didn’t want to seem like a sex-crazed pervert. We then head upstairs. Each landing has some sort of erotic art like…

As we come to the top of the stairs, I notice a large flat screen tv and couches with some lighted scented candles. The tv wasn’t showing anything at that time but I assumed it was a video about the history of erotica.

Wrong.

So wrong.

Ciana, Aaron and I had been walking around and looking at all the statues, pictures, etc. I got caught up looking at something (I can’t even remember…I was constantly lagging behind due to taking pictures). As I walk back towards the stairs, I see the video has started and Ciana & Aaron are slack-jawed. Apparently, I had just missed what I assumed was the informational video but a new one is starting. There is a crowd with people sitting on the couch and standing around.

I turn to look at the tv screen and see it’s a silent movie…and it’s porn. That’s right, silent porn. With subtitles…black and white…and looks to have been filmed in the 1920s. The film was set in a monastery with a “monk” making dinner for 2 “nuns”. And, I swear that the subtitle said “the sisters decided to have each other for “hors d’oeuvres”. Wait…what? Next thing I know, the “sisters” have ripped off each others “habits” and are going to town on each other! WHAT? The subtitles keep popping up because apparently you need to be told the continuing storyline in case you got lost. The “monk” was peeping thru a window and then another “monk” comes up behind him, snatches his pants down and starts having sex with him. I was done. I couldn’t watch anymore…in a room full of folks…with a storyline set in church. I’m trying to see Jesus some day and I don’t have time to explain my visit to the Museum of Erotica to Peter. I already have way too much to account for. Which now includes this visit because you know I didn’t leave.

We turned quickly and went up to the next level…which was “porn thru the years”. There were 3 smaller tv’s on each table set in a triangle pattern. This apparently is for more intimate viewing. But you are still at a table with other folks. Really? They had porn from every culture thru a span of 50 or 60 years. Even interviews with adult film stars. As we are walking up to the 6th level, we see photos of different “genres” of porn…like vampire porn. *hangs head*

The 6th floor is dedicated to what I’m gonna call “cartoon” porn. I’m sure it has some sort of slick name but it’s freaky stuff in cartoon fashion. Like they needed to draw up Smurfette getting it on with Papa Smurf. There’s something for everybody here.

The last floor focused on “doll” porn. Poor Barbie. She’s a ho.

By the time we reached Bimbo Barbie, I was exhausted. Who knew that looking at all that erotica would wear you out? We ended up taking the elevator down to the first floor and saw this magnificent display at the exit.

Afterwards, I felt like I needed to smoke a cigarette. Woooo! Thanks, Paris.

We leave the museum and head towards Moulin Rouge

Then take the Metro back to the Louvre to meet up with Joyce & Stef.

We all walk from the Louvre thru the Tuleries Garden and see that there is a huge ferris wheel!

By this point, our feet are killing us but we still have one more stop before dinner…and that is to the Eiffel Tower!

Then finally, it was time to rest and eat. We ended up eating at a cafe across the street from the train station. Which was a good thing because we almost missed our train! Overall, it was a great day trip. We were able to see a lot. I would definitely recommend staying for more than a day because Paris at night is fabulous! Looking for things to do in Paris? Check out my post The Top 10 Things to do in Paris. Au revoir!

London & Paris (New Years 2011/2012)

January 9, 2012January 9, 2012Leave a comment

Joyce & Stefanie in front of Westminster Abbey (London)

Afternoon Tea at the National Gallery Cafe (London)

Protest signs at the NYD parade (London)

Nikki posing in front of Westminster Abbey (London)

Ticket to see "Legally Blonde The Musical"

Ciana & Byron @ Trevor Nelson's NYE Party

Joyce & Austin @ Trevor Nelson's NYE Party

Nikki & Daniel at Trevor Nelson's NYE Party

Joyce & Nikki @ Trevor Nelson's NYE Party

London & Paris (New Years 2011/2012), a set on Flickr.

Hanging out in London & Paris over New Years 2011…come join us!

Nikki’s Nest: Grand Hotel Savoia (Genoa, Italy)

December 23, 2011October 7, 20123 Comments

The Grand Hotel Savoia

I’ve had the pleasure of staying at The Grand Hotel Savoia three separate times over the course of a year. This magnificent 5 star hotel was built in the 1897 by the Fioroni family. Due to its close proximity to the port, the Grand Hotel Savoia received the most important European upper class travellers waiting for boarding on the ships. Per the hotel website, “The Guest book, with signatures of important personalities of that time, is not only the evidence of the glorious past, but still represents the role of first importance that the Grand Hotel Savoia played on the stage of the Italian Hotel Industry.”

Location

Located in the Aquaverde square, “Il Grande Hotel Savoia” is in the historic centre of Genoa and convenient to the train station (which is just a 5 minute walk from the hotel) and the port (which is about a 10 minute walk). The nearest airport (Cristoforo Colombo) is only 7 km from the hotel. And, starting Feb. 1, 2012, the hotel will offer free airport shuttle service!

What’s great about the location is that you are within walking distance to almost everything (or you can take the Metro or cheap taxi). If you take a 10 minute walk, you can visit Aquario di Genova (Genoa Acquairum), Palazzo Reale, Galata Museo del Mare and the shopping area of the city. Trust me, there are so many delicious restaurants, you want to make sure you get out and about.

My second room at the Grand Hotel Savoia

Rooms

“A style that tells…” This is how the hotel introduces their room decor.

“You will see typical elements of Liguria’s architecture in the wardrobes; the images on the inside walls remind us the city and its history. Old trunks and relics of far-away countries are reminiscence of the golden age of the great transatlantic trips. The rich stuffs have colours inspired to the nature: sea, sky, slate (Genoa traditional stone), sand and sun are tightly tied up to Liguria; These are perfect suggestions for relating the hotel to the territory that surrounds us. Every single room is different from the others, and each one tells us a different story…”

They offer 5 classes of rooms: Classic, Deluxe, Executive, Junior Suite, and Family Suite. All rooms have air conditioning, coffee maker, LCD TV, free Wi-Fi, laptop safe with internal plug, creams-baths set. There is also free access to the SPA center. I’ve stayed in 3 separate rooms, each one slightly different than the last.

My first room at the Grand Hotel SavoiaMy first room at the Grand Hotel Savoia

The "Gym" Suite...this looks so fabulous!

Amenities

Fitness

The hotel has a small gym. It has the basic treadmill, bike and elliptical along with some weights. I found it to be sufficient for a good workout. In fact, I used the gym quite a few times during my stay.

Spa

The Grand Hotel Savoia has a spa which looks pretty nice but I cannot attest to the quality of services. The wellness center has a sauna, Hammam, aromatic showers, massages and swimming pool.

Terrazza (Terrace)

The terrace (located on the seventh floor) offers a panoramic view of Genoa and an overlook of the Genoa Gulf. You can relax in the jacuzzi or just sip a glass of your favorite drink while taking in the sights. I absolutely loved it!

For Kids

The hotel has a kiddie area called “The Garden of Pirates.”

Restaurant

The restaurant is called Novecento and it is absolutely divine! Breakfast is superb and dinner is really good too. Genoa is known for its pesto so you will find a good variety of pesto dishes offered.

Overall, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Grand Hotel Savoia and would definitely stay there again. You cannot beat the comfort, location or price. I absolutely loved the uniqueness of each room, the customer service from the hotel staff and amenities. Consider pre-booking via their website (I found they offered the best deals directly). Breakfast (and sometimes Delta Skymiles) is/are included in the rate. If you ever visit Genoa, I highly recommend this hotel.

Nikki’s Rating: 4 (Fabulous)

Rating Scale 1-5 (1 = GET OUT NOW; 2 = Seriously?; 3 = Eh, it’ll do; 4 = Fabulous; 5 = Absolutely Wonderful)

Nikki’s Nest: Athens Gate Hotel (Athens, Greece)

December 22, 2011October 7, 20125 Comments

Athens Gate Hotel (Athens, Greece)

I had the pleasure to stay 8 nights at The Athens Gate hotel which is in central Athens, Greece with a fabulous view of the Temple of Zeus & the Acropolis. The area around the hotel is so neat. The hotel was renovated in 2007 and has a very modern & classic look. Athens Gate has 7 floors, a rooftop garden restaurant, and a cozy lobby (which includes a bar, fireplace and business center).

Location

The Athens Gate Hotel is located in the historic district of Athens, exactly opposite the Temple of Olympian Zeus and the Gate which was constructed by the Athenians to welcome the Roman emperor Hadrian. The hotel entrance is at the beginning of Syngrou Avenue just opposite the Temple of Olympian Zeus. Its excellent location in the heart of the historical center of Athens makes it an ideal choice for travellers.

You are within easy walking distance to Syntagma Square (where I saw several demonstrations/strikes), the commercial shopping district, the Acropolis, and right next to the new Acropolis Museum and the Plaka area. All you have to do is walk right outside and you have Athens at your feet. No need for a taxi!

If you want to travel a little further to the north of Athens or down to the port, the hotel is steps away from the Athens Metro (the “Acropolis” Athens Metro Station). The Metro is super easy to use as I took it for 6 days back and forth to work.

Rooms

View of Temple of Olympian Zeus from my room

Athens Gate has 99 rooms (60 are Queen bed rooms, 38 are twin bed rooms and 1 junior suite with a jacuzzi bath tub and shower). There are 7 classes of rooms: Standard Double, Double Superior, Double Executive, Twin Standard, Twin Superior, Twin Executive and Suites. The Superior & Executive rooms along with the Suites have views of either the Temple of Olympian Zeus (which are front rooms) or the Parthenon at the Acropolis (which are the back rooms). Most rooms have balconies and all rooms are equipped with a 27” flat-screen LCD tv, mini bar, safe, hair dryer, AC/heat, internet (for a fee) and bathrooms (either shower or tubs). WiFi connection is available in public areas (i.e. lobby).

I stayed in a Twin Superior room and had a fabulous view of the Temple of Olympian Zeus! The room was very comfortable. I was a little concerned about noise from the street after reading a few of the reviews on Trip Advisor. However, my room (which was on busy Syngrou Avenue) was very quiet. It was spacious (for European standards) and I loved being able to go out on the balcony and look at the ruins.

Athens Gate Rooftop Garden Restaurant

Rooftop Garden Restaurant

The view of central Athens (especially the Acropolis) from this rooftop has to be one of the best in the city! Imagine eating breakfast while staring at the amazing Parthenon? What could be better? Athens Gate offers an American breakfast each morning. I would drink coffee and eat while gazing at the ruins. I tried the restaurant for breakfast and dinner. My recommendation is to definitely do breakfast and 1 night of dinner (if you are in town for more than a couple of days). Since you are in a great location, there are so many wonderful restaurants nearby and it would be a shame not to check them out. Most of the restaurants have a great view of the Acropolis at night. And let me tell you…I never got tired of looking at the Acropolis. It is just that amazing. Here is a picture I took from my table during breakfast.

View from breakfast

Amenities

Unfortunately, the hotel does not have a gym. The “business center” consists of 2 computers and a printer located next to the elevators. Normally, I prefer to stay in hotels that have a gym but with the great location, you can easily run/walk outside and sightsee while working out.

Overall, I have to say that I really enjoyed the Athens Gate hotel and would definitely stay there again. You cannot beat the comfort, location or price. I recommend pre-booking via their website (I found they offered the best deals directly). Breakfast is included in the rate. If you ever visit Athens, I highly recommend this hotel. What is better than eating breakfast while looking at the Acropolis from their rooftop restaurant? Want to know more about Athens? Check out the review of my trip here.

Nikki’s Rating: 4 (Fabulous)

Rating Scale 1-5 (1 = GET OUT NOW; 2 = Seriously?; 3 = Eh, it’ll do; 4 = Fabulous; 5 = Absolutely Wonderful)

Charming Château de Chillon (Switzerland)

December 20, 2011December 8, 2014Leave a comment

The majestically beautiful Château de Chillon (Chillon Castle) is located on the shore of Lake Léman (Lake Geneva) in the commune of Veytaux, at the eastern end of the lake, 3 km from Montreux, Switzerland. The castle consists of 100 independent buildings that were gradually connected to become the building as it stands now (source Wikipedia). The cities along Lake Geneva make up the fabulous French Swiss Riviera! I took the train from Geneva to Montreux. Then, hopped on a bus to Chillon.

Incredibly, Château de Chillon is very well-preserved. Unlike many other castles in Europe, it has never been damaged or destroyed. Per the website, the history of the castle was influenced by three major periods:

The Savoy period (12th century to 1536)
The oldest written document mentioning the castle dates from 1150; it says that the House of Savoy already controlled the route along the shores of Lake Geneva.
The Bernese period (1536-1798)
The Swiss, more precisely the Bernese, conquered the Pays de Vaud and occupied Chillon in 1536. The castle retained its role as a fortress, arsenal and prison for over 260 ans.
The Vaudois period (1798 to the present)
The Bernese left Chillon in 1798 at the time of the Vaudois Revolution. The castle became the property of the Canton of Vaud when it was founded in 1803. The restoration of the historical monument began at the end of the 19th Century and continues to this day.

All in all, the castle has been used in a variety of ways: as an armory, warehouse, prison, hospital and tourist attraction. As you enter the grounds, you feel like you have gone back in time. The people who work at the castle all wear period-era clothes so as you tour the castle, you feel as if you have stepped into life in the 1500’s.

Chillon Castle is surrounded by a natural moat so you cross a bridge to get to it.

Then, as your walk down the path, you come upon the castle and beautiful Lake Geneva.

As you enter the castle, you walk into the main courtyard (there are 3 courtyards in total). This is where the main action took place.

I picked up an audio guide then started the tour. First thing I see is a model of what the original castle looked like.

Then, I tour the “Underground” which is spectacular! It held the wine and prison. It’s most well-known for the imprisonment of Bonivard, made famous by Lord Byron, who made him the hero of his poem “The Prisoner of Chillon”.

Next stop was the great halls which had beautiful windows with seats to look out over the courtyards or Lake Geneva.

Chambre bernoise

A comfortable bedroom, with rather subdued decoration, a large four-poster bed, heating, private toilet and even running water!

A quick note about the potty above. First, you see that 2 people can go at the same time…with no barrier between them. Reminds me of Ephesus where there were 10 potties like this. I can’t imagine talking to Mary while doing #2. Shoot, I don’t even like doing that when there is someone in the bathroom with stalls! Second, if you look down into the lid, you will see that it empties straight into the lake. So, um…I’m not thinking a lot of people went skinny-dipping.

Views of Lake Geneva from the castle.

Torture Chamber. While I was there, I was able to view the Temporary exhibition: “Witch-hunting in the Pays de Vaud, from the 15th to the 17th centuries”.

The Pays de Vaud was the site of major witch-hunts between the 15th and the 17th centuries. During this period, there were more than 2000 death sentences!

On a larger scale, Switzerland within the current borders if the time holds not only the record for the longest-lasting repression of witchcraft but also for the largest number of people persecuted for this crime, in relation to the population. In almost three centuries, 5,000 people were accused and 3,500 of them were put to death, mainly by fire, with 60 – 70% being women.

Chillon Castle was an important detention centre for people suspected of witchcraft, either when awaiting trail or carrying out their sentence. During the term of the Bernese bailiff, Nicolas de Watteville, from 1595 to 1601, some forty-odd people were executed at Chillon, La Tour-de-Peilz and Vevey. And 27 more in 1613! Their Excellencies of Bern noted “…with regret and sadness the extent to which the negation of God and submission to the evil spirit was growing among our subjects in the Romand (French-speaking) country.” (source Chateau de Chillon website).

Finally, some photos I took while walking around the castle.

Overall, I thought Château de Chillon was fascinating and beautiful. It’s a great tour idea for kids! If you are ever in the Swiss Riviera region, check it out. Try to go in the late afternoon so you can see the sunset at the castle. Absolutely amazing!

WTF, Vegas?

2 Comments

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…unless it’s funny & juicy, then it’s shared on my blog! And, have I got some stories for y’all. My BFF, Isina, joined me in the big LV for the weekend and we had a FAB-U-LOUS time!

Of course, y’all know how my luck rolls so craziness greeted us at the airport shuttle. Isina is now a firm believer in the fact that I am a crazy people magnet.

Airport Shuttle AKA “WTF?”
Sigh. This is going to be pretty long so sit back and make sure you have something to snack on. Isina and I arrive at the Vegas airport and decide to take the airport shuttle since it was $7 (a taxi probably wouldn’t have been much more but we didn’t know that at the time). We arrive at the shuttle stand, buy our tickets and find the proper line. There are about 15 or so. The queues are organized by number. You’ll have 2 queues per stand (i.e. signs for shuttles 1 and 2 are in the same section).

We head for the sign that says “2” and stand in the queue thinking a shuttle will be along shortly (because the line was fairly long). Wrong. After 20 minutes, a bus sidles on up and fills up pretty quick so we are left to wait for the next shuttle…which takes another 20-25 minutes. We are now towards the front of the line. It’s not complicated and we have just seen that the system can work. But, it wouldn’t be my story if things worked out perfectly. So, as the second shuttles pulls up, we work out a plan that I will stay in line to make sure the bags make the shuttle and Isina will save us a seat. Well, a rogue line that I hadn’t been paying attention to (they were loitering over by queue #3) made a mad dash and rushed onto the shuttle so those of us who had stood in line were left out. I was like, “Wait a minute. What just happened?”

Then I had a revelation. You know who have the biggest problems with habitual line jumpers? Old people. They can’t handle it. I don’t know if it’s the fact that they feel their time on earth could be up at any moment or what. But, they will bust a cap over someone cutting in front of them. I had the pleasure of witnessing 2 such incidents. It all happened when the bus driver (who is now opening the back of the bus to start loading luggage) stated that if you are in line, you aren’t getting on the bus and need to move your bags because the bus is full. Why did he say that? That set it off.

Mr. Vernon Dursley (I swear he looked just like Harry Potter’s uncle) got this wild eye look and was like, “OH HELL NO! WE WERE HERE FIRST!” But that didn’t make any waves. Then, he was like, “THEY JUMPED THE LINE! THEY WEREN’T STANDING IN LINE #2. I TOLD THEM THAT THE LINE STARTED AT THE OTHER END AND THEY SAID NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE ENOUGH ROOM ON THE BUS!!! KICK THEIR ASSES OFF!!! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT!!! KENO DON’T PLAY ITSELF!!! SHIT!” The bus driver’s reply? “I’M KICKING ALL THESE MUTHA FUCKAS OFF THE BUS!!!” It was like he was speaking to himself but I was like, “Um, if you are kicking them off, does that mean there is room for us?” Just sayin’.

Alas, he didn’t kick them off but he and Mr. Dursley started going at it. Clearly, he doesn’t know how Mr. D can get…I mean, he made Harry live in a cupboard under the stairs for 9 years! Get back on the shuttle, bus driver!!! But, he decided to try his luck…because it’s Vegas, I guess. Anyway, he disappears for a few minutes, then comes back and gets into it with Mr. D again.

Just long enough for another guy to show up. This man had to be 104 years old if a day…he was wearing khaki pants pulled up to his nipples, a flowered shirt and had cotton in his ears…he was old y’all. So, Father Time had been grinning and seemed to be in a happy place. Then, it turned on a dime. Another shuttle worker shows up to defuse the situation with the bus driver and Mr. D. He’s a black guy who is probably in his mid-30s (who I will call Ice Cube). So, as Cube is trying to calm down Mr. D, Father Time hops up and starts waving his shuttle receipt in Cube’s face and screams “WHAAAATTTT TTHHHEEE FUUUUCCKKK?” I was like, “oh hell, here we go.” Father Time then screams out “WHAT THE FUCK? I’VE BEEN WAITING FORTY-FIVE MUTHA FUCKIN MINUTES FOR A MUTHA FUCKIN SHUTTLE AND IT HASN’T SHOWN UP MUTHA FUCKIN YET. GIVE ME MY MUTHA FUCKIN REFUND BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP!” Father Time is gangsta. I wasn’t all that confident that he wasn’t carrying.

So, Cube was like, “Who the fuck is this old mutha fucka talking to?” Then, he does something unexpected (and not very customer service friendly)…he starts screaming back at Father Time. He says, “WHO THE FUCK YOU TALKIN TO? YOU BETTA WATCH YO’SELF! I DON’T PLAY THAT SHIT. GET YO ASS BACK IN LINE OR GET THE FUCK OUT. YOU AIN’T GOTTA TAKE A SHUTTLE…GET A FUCKIN CAB!!” FT screams back, “GIVE ME A MUTHA FUCKIN’ REFUND AND I’LL TAKE A CAB.” Cube, “AIN’T NO REFUNDS, BITCH (the bitch part was implied)!” It just got really real y’all.

I was shocked that Father Time had such a potty mouth. I mean, nobody knows when their time is up but when you are looking like Cocoon and clearly your number could be called any day…I just thought he’d be acting better. You know how folks get religious when they get older to get a few more credits when they get to the Pearly Gates? Like, “Hey Pete? Can I call you Pete instead of Peter? I mean, I feel like we’re boys since I read my Bible every day after I turned 50. Can you tell Jesus I’m here? Picked up my water at reception…just need him to turn it into some Chardonnay. Thanks!” Maybe Father Time had a slip up? I mean, how are you going to explain the cuss out in Vegas to Peter???

Now, during this whole show, Isina had been looking for a taxi so she missed everything. When she walked up, I calmly explained that she had missed a fight. Because you don’t act all excited when crazy is close by. You don’t know what could set them off again. Kinda like earthquake aftershocks.

So, the shuttle finally takes off without us and the crazies on it. That’s when Mr. D feels that he has found a friend in me and wants to talk it out. Sigh. Why? This happens to me dang near every trip! But, I listen as he explains what happened for the 10th time (like I wasn’t there when it happened or when he explained it the previous 9 times). Here is a transcript of the convo:

Mr. Dursley: DID YOU SEE THOSE PEOPLE JUMP THE LINE? I TOLD THEM THAT THE LINE FOR SHUTTLE BUS 2 WAS AT THE OTHER END BUT THEY SAID IT WAS COOL AND THAT EVERYBODY COULD GET ON. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THEY JUMPED THE LINE AND RUSHED ONTO THE BUS? PEOPLE LIKE THAT ARE A MENACE TO SOCIETY.
Me: You are right. I can’t believe it. It’s shocking.
Mr. D: Karma is going to come back and get them bad. They will lose at every game they play.
Me: *giggling because he is now the white Celie from The Color Purple…all that was missing was the hand gesture with the fingers* You are right, ugliness never wins, sir.
Mr. D: I’m calling someone about this.
Me: Yeah, you can’t let this go.

Mr. D then decides he’s exhausted telling the story to those around him and now needs to call up his homies. So, he tells Mrs. D (Petunia) to watch the line and make sure no rogue jumpers cut in while he is 2 feet away screaming the story into his phone. Mr. D gets on the phone and in the middle of telling his story, he sees a couple of women who are in line #3. But, they apparently have drifted too close to line #2 because he pauses his phone call, gives a pointed look to Petunia cuz she is apparently slipping on the line protection job, and yells out to the women “ARE YOU WAITING FOR SHUTTLE BUS #2 BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU NEED TO GET TO THE END OF THE MUTHA FUCKIN LINE BECAUSE AIN’T GOING TO BE NO MORE LINE CUTTING AROUND HERE. I’M MISSING OUT ON BLACKJACK BEHIND THIS SHIT.” They were like, “No sir, we are waiting on shuttle #3.” So he leaves them alone and goes back to his call. After the call, he walks the 2 feet back to the head of the line, notices the 2 women again…and again says, ““ARE YOU WAITING FOR SHUTTLE BUS #2 BECAUSE IF YOU ARE, YOU NEED TO GET TO THE END OF THE MUTHA FUCKIN LINE BECAUSE AIN’T GOING TO BE NO MORE LINE CUTTING AROUND HERE.” They calmly tell him again that they were waiting on shuttle bus #3. Five minutes pass… nobody has moved but he sees a leaf or something and takes notice of the 2 SAME LADIES FOR A THIRD TIME AND GOES THRU THE WHOLE THING AGAIN! At this point, they are shutting him down and Mrs. D can’t be found because she is embarrassed. I’m entertained.

After all of that, we finally get on the bus after Cube comes over and asks which bus we were waiting on. As we are riding to the hotel, we see that the shuttle with the line jumpers had broken down right outside the airport. Mr. D was like, “THAT’S KARMA BITCH!” Glorious.

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Nikki’s Nest: Monte-Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort (Monte-Carlo, Monaco)

December 11, 20111 Comment

My Mom and I stayed at the Monte-Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort in January 2010. The resort has a casino, gym (with free personal trainers) and a spa. While it is not on the main drag, it’s within walking distance to most of the attractions. When you arrive, you feel like you are special…because for what the rooms cost, you should be 🙂 If you feel like splurging, I highly recommend staying at this hotel. If not (and honestly, it’s cheaper to stay in Nice and take the 30 minute bus over for the day), I’d recommend you visit this hotel for the Cinq Mondes spa. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

Rates & Promotions

I’m not going to lie…like everything else in Monte-Carlo, the Monte-Carlo Bay Hotel & Resort is expensive. Rates in the low season run around 276 Euro/$369 per night for a Superior Room (326 Euro/$463 per night for an Exclusive Room). High season (May – August) is about 377 Euro/$504 per night for a Superior Room (485 Euro/$649 per night for an Exclusive Room). This usually does not include meals (the continental breakfast cost me 35 Euro). The hotel has special offers that focus on gourmet experiences, Monte-Carlo nightlife and the annual Monte-Carlo Grand Prix.

Room numbers are located on the floor (not on the wall or door).

Rooms & Suites

The resort offers 6 types of Rooms & Suites (3 Rooms and 3 Suites). The 3 Rooms offered are the Superior Room (city view), Exclusive Room (sea view) and the Prestige Room (sea view). The 3 Suites offered are the Duplex Suite, Exclusive Suite and Top Roof Suite. We stayed in the Superior Room and it was wonderful. The room was very comfortable, spacious and cozy. It’s tempting not to leave the room at all!

Fitness Center

The resort has a small gym with personal trainers on-site. The equipment was fairly new, bottled water & towels were provided. And, if you had the time, you could take advantage of the free personal training. I was able to do a 45 minute run and strength training without having to wait on a machine.

The Cinq Mondes Spa

My absolute favorite thing about Monte Carlo? THE CINQ MONDES SPA! OMG, this place is heaven on earth. Seriously. The purpose of our visit to Monte-Carlo was to gamble & spend a day at the spa. We lost at the casino but the spa more than made up for it.

I’ve been to countless spas in the U.S. and abroad and this has to be the absolute best in my opinion. We started out in the hammam to relax prior to our spa services.

My first service was the “Aromas & Flowers Japanese Bath” — and it was the most fabulous thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was like Christmas!

The Japanese Bath is essentially a big wooden tub that traps heat so the water never gets cold. You step into a tub of very warm water, then aromatherapy oils are poured in the water. Once that is complete, rose petals are sprinkled on top of you. Then, the masseuse places a pillow under your neck and proceeds to give you a scalp and neck massage. Afterwards, you are left alone for about 15 minutes to relax. Later, the masseuse brings you peach tea, honey and dried fruit to snack on while you relax in the bath. Did I mention that the water never gets cold? OMG, this was HEAVEN! I do not think I will be able to replicate this in my own tub with some Calgon & Lipton. My next home needs a relaxation room like this.

After the Japanese Bath, I had the Oriental Massage which was basically me laying on hot towels while being massaged with warm oils. Total bliss. Once the services were over, I was taken to the “Relaxation Room” to recline with some peach tea & honey. I would go back to Monte-Carlo just for the spa. It was just that fabulous.

Not sure what to do when you visit Monte-Carlo? Check out Visit Monaco’s website for the latest news on upcoming events and recommended attractions.

Nikki’s Rating: 5 (Absolutely Wonderful)

Rating Scale 1-5 (1 = GET OUT NOW; 2 = Seriously?; 3 = Eh, it’ll do; 4 = Fabulous; 5 = Absolutely Wonderful)

Walk Like an Egyptian…

November 30, 2011December 8, 20145 Comments

“Naharak Saeed” (“Good Day”) from Egypt! I struggled with how I would blog about my visit. Egypt is complex, a bit schizophrenic & absolutely breathtaking. I’ve been waiting my entire life to visit this magnificent place. In one day, I found myself in awe of the great works that were achieved thousands of years ago…and then repulsed by current conditions. As always, I’m planning to keep it real so you are going to get Egypt straight with no chaser. I hope you are ready!

I read several books on Egypt in order to educate myself on the history & culture of the country. The history of the pharaohs can get a bit complicated so I’ll try to simplify it as best I can. I am going to give you a quick background so that you will understand my reaction to certain situations I recount later.

BACKGROUND

Religion

Islam is the official religion of Egypt (with about 90% of the people being Sunni Muslim) which means that it’s a pretty conservative country. Women must cover up (long sleeves and pants even in the HOT sun) and drinking and gambling in public are frowned upon. That already puts me out of the mix as I don’t like to be wearing a lot of clothes when it’s hot and how am I supposed to hit the jackpot without a cool alcoholic beverage to clear my mind? However, I believe in trying to live like a local so I wore long pants and a long sleeved shirt (and reserved my drinking for home).

Gender Issues

I read an article a couple of years ago which focused on Egypt having a high rate of sexual harassment. The article stated that Egyptian men think western women are “loose” (since we drink and wear tank tops). If you expose a lot of skin, the men think this is an “invitation” and may expose their genitalia as an offer for sex. Recently, I read an article on “Using social media tools to battle sexual harassment in Egypt” by Rima Abdelkader, NBC News which said “The Egyptian Center for Women’s Rights in Cairo called harassment in Egypt a ‘dangerous social cancer’ in a survey in 2008. The survey reported that 98 percent of foreign women were sexually harassed and 83 percent of Egyptian women experienced harassment throughout Egypt.” I don’t know why the men just don’t import some of those erotic calendars from Pompeii. They may not have access to the internet but they can certainly carry those calendars around to satisfy their lust. I found them in a pocket-size version. A little something for freaks on the go.

My guidebook also recommended that women not look a man directly in the eye as it is seen as an “invitation”. That was hard for me because I am used to looking people in the eye as a show of respect (plus it shows that I’m listening to you). If my eyes drift…so has my mind. I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just how it is. I think I suffer from adult ADD. Anyway, I made sure to wear sunglasses the majority of the time because I didn’t want men thinking I’m soliciting them for sex. But, um…there were some really good-looking men in Egypt 🙂

I also observed a man offer 5 camels to buy a woman from the man that she was with. Apparently, in Egypt, camels are currency & women are commodities. So, you could be walking along the Nile River and Ahkbar could just come up and be like, “I’ll give you 7 camels for Betty.” It happens. Better hope your boo doesn’t owe too much to Bank of America because you may be making papyrus on the Nile.

Environmental, Health & Safety Issues

We were told COUNTLESS times not to drink the water or eat any uncooked food. While this is what you hear whenever you go to Mexico, it’s on a whole new level in Egypt. I will cover this in more detail in the next post on Cairo (as that is when it really hit home). This was the most shocking and disappointing aspect to the trip.

Poverty

Egypt has a 50% unemployment rate. I will touch upon this issue in the next blog post since it has not only a rural impact but a major urban one as well. This is where “hustlin’” was born. I thought it was bad in the Dominican Republic. They are amateurs compared to the Egyptians. I’ve never seen anything like it. There has been a lot of governmental corruption so be prepared for me to get on my soap box.

What is Egypt like? I think the answer is different for each person. It’s all in what you make of it. If you love history (like me) then you will be able to see past the crazy, absurd and disappointing to focus on the beauty of this African country. So, let’s get started!

ALEXANDRIA

We arrived in Alexandria around 6am…just in time to see the sun rise. I could hardly sleep the night before in anticipation for what I’d get to see. The first thing I notice as we pull into port is that the water in the harbor is dirty and there are sunken ships (which were actually pretty cool).

Alexandria is the capital where Cleopatra ruled from 51-30 BC. The city was named for Alexander the Great when he conquered Egypt from the Persians. The story of Cleopatra is fascinating. One thing I did not realize is that she was a descendant of Greeks (Ptolemy, who was a general of Alexander the Great). Cleo was highly educated (she spoke 8 languages) and hard core (she killed her sister in order to have the throne). A big thing back in the day was for sisters and brothers to marry each other and procreate in order to keep the royal bloodline going. Of course, this resulted in genetic deformities and poor health for the offspring (see the latest article on the DNA testing of King Tut) as well as a touch of the crazy. Anyway, Cleo was married off to her brother (Ptolemy XIII aka “P13”) but she was like, “this is gross and I’m out.” So, she ended up falling out with him and Julius Caesar had to resolve the conflict of who should rule Egypt. P13 thought he could outsmart his sister and keep her from using her charms to get Caesar to rule in her favor. But, he underestimated her. Where there is a will, there is a way. Cleo had herself rolled up in a carpet and was taken right past her brother’s guards in the palace to Caesar. She put her charms on, was granted the right to rule Egypt and made Caesar her first baby-daddy.

After Caesar was killed (“et tu, Brutus?” is one of my favorite lines), Cleo put her charms on Marc Antony and had 3 kids by him. Marc ended up living in Alexandria and boozing it up. When he was defeated by Octavian (Caesar’s heir to the Roman throne and his rival), he was told that Cleo was dead. So, he killed himself. Cleo actually wasn’t dead and when she found out Marc had committed suicide and she had lost the throne to Egypt, she killed herself by having a deadly snake, an asp, bite her. It’s so tragic. Her kids ended up being taken to Rome where the boys were killed so they wouldn’t pose a threat to Octavian but her daughter, Cleopatra Selene, was allowed to live and ended up becoming the Queen of Mauretania.