All I wanted was a fabulous new coat. Why did that have to turn into The Biggest Loser audition? Seriously? Ugh.
I’m working on a new blog post updating “What to Wear When Travelling Abroad” with some cool new & beautiful finds from small retailers (scarves, coats, accessories, etc.). I’m so excited!!! So, one of the items I recently attempted to purchase was a beautiful coat. Like all purchases, I picked my size (going up a bit so I could wear bulky sweaters and not look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man). Once I submitted my order, I receive an email from the supplier asking me for my measurements so she could verify that the size I selected was appropriate.
Isn’t it fab? This coat gives me life! Do you know how fierce I’d look walking around Paris rocking this baby? I had dreams! I had accessories! But, after a couple of weeks, what I didn’t have was a coat. So, I follow-up asking about the status of my order…only to receive this email:
Dear Customer: This coat does not fit you. We have given you a refund. Please check your account. Thank you.
Wait. Whut? Return to Sender cuz I know this ain’t meant for me. O__o <—– that is me giving her the side-eye because this is a hot bed of foolery (and yes, I said “whut” because “what” will not accurately capture my feelings at this moment). The coat doesn’t fit? Are you serious? Ma’am, I rebuke you and your shenanigans. Sigh. Now I gotta write a response back to her.
Dear Coat Voldemort,
Why does this coat not fit? Is it made for toddlers? I am an averaged size woman. I do realize that I may look the size of Godzilla since you all are so tiny in China…but trust me when I say that I am not planning to wear this coat while hanging off the side of a building kidnapping a woman and asking her which diet works best for her. I need details about why this coat (which is offered in sizes S, M, L, XL and XXL) will not fit me.
Did seeing my measurements make you bust out into a verse from “Brickhouse” by The Commodores? No, I am not a size 2…but I am not a body double for the Kool-Aid Man either.
So, ma’am, I’m gonna need some answers because you have messed up my Fierceness of Fall plans behind this. If you have to sew 2 coats together to fit my supersized ass, then get to sewing because I need this coat in my life and you ain’t taking it from me. On second thought, forget it…I will take my business someplace else where they won’t smack the cookies out of my mouth while making my coat.
Gone With the Wind Fabulous
Too much? Sometimes I can’t help myself. When I read her email, I was like, “no she didn’t.” How am I too fat for a coat? Y’all…iCant. She basically remixed Beyonce’s “Ego” song and said, “you’re too big, it won’t fit, lose weight…you gotta a big bootay….a big, big bootay”. #devastated