Sigh. I don’t think the Executive Assistant of my group likes me. I know. Who can’t like me? Apparently Linda. I can’t stand when people don’t like me (except if it’s my nemises…he can suck it). It all started last week. I got promoted to a new position within a business segment which meant I had to move to a new floor. That move required leaving my wonderful office and relocating to a cube. A CUBICLE! Where I have to use keys to lock desk drawers before Burglar Billy comes to steal my purse because I don’t have a door. I now suffer from OSA…Office Separation Anxiety. But, I am trying to work thru it. So, last week, I am trying to sneak out of my cube and go to the gym so I can stop looking like the light-skinned Precious. But, before I can make it to the door, someone needs something so I go back to my desk and lay my keys down. I am not quite sure what happened next. OSA causes temporary memory loss.
After I finish responding to emails (3 hours later), it’s time to leave the “office” for the day. So, I try to open the desk drawer (assuming that’s where I put my keys) and it’s locked. Instantly, I thought “BILLY GOT ME!” I looked everywhere around my small cube. It takes me 3 minutes. *sobs* I try opening the desk drawer again and it’s not budging. Now, I’m sounding the alarms and freaking out. I just knew I would get robbed being out in the element (that’s what I call cube living). I go to see Linda (and interrupt her gossip session) to let her know that I had been ROBBED! How am I supposed to get home? Has someone stolen my car from the parking garage? What is going on? She checks to see if someone sent an email to her saying they had my keys. I knew Billy wasn’t going to do that. Billy was driving my car down I-75 screaming out “GOTCHA CUBER!”
I leave her and go see Security. That’s right. I talk to our Director of Security. He’s former FBI and I am asking him to put together a profile on Billy. What motivates him to steal from cubes? Maybe they need to dust for prints? Check surveillance tapes…do we have those? He looks at me…and I look right back at him asking if he needs to take notes or just plans on remembering all the information I’m giving him. OSA is serious, y’all…it has PTSD symptoms. I’ve got the folks in Security calling down to the front guard and checking on my car. Then, I head back upstairs to wait on the maintenance man from Facilities (who Linda had called). This was back when Linda liked me…before “it” happened. She was so concerned. I mean, I had no keys and my car had been jacked.
I’m on the phone with a friend arranging transportation home when Leroy the Maintenance Guy shows up. As I am pouring out my woes of being a victim of a cube Ponzi scheme, Leroy takes his keys and opens my desk drawer…and there were my keys. Leroy and Linda both look at me like I’m a child that tells stories for attention. I’m like, “Leroy, you just unlocked that drawer so you know it was locked.” He just rolled his eyes. You know what, Leroy? Crabs in a barrel, buddy.
At this point, Linda has sighed and walked away…disappointed. I send her an email to apologize and she’s like, “okay.” DON’T BE THAT WAY, LINDA! HOW DID I KNOW? BILLY IS A FREAKING MAGICIAN (I haven’t given up on my Billy the Burglar accusation). I just can’t break thru the ice wall Linda has erected. She treats me like Celie did Mister. If there are treats in the break room, she will tell my neighbor and look at me like, “STARVE MADEA!” When I asked for her help in ordering new business cards…she told me to go on the internet in a voice that made me think she feels I am special needs. I can’t stand it.
So, now I have come up with Project Effie. You know Effie…from Dreamgirls? Jennifer Holiday/Hudson’s character? Looks like I’m gonna have to make my famous gorilla bread, bring in a boombox and start singing, “And I am telling you…I’m not going…AND YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU….YOU’RE GONNA LOVE ME, LINDA!” If that doesn’t work, I will start on Project Obi Wan Kenobi…Jedi mind tricks always work. Ha!