To quote the 1950 film, Sunset Boulevard, “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” What woman doesn’t want to do a boudoir photo shoot and be all glam & sexy? I started out buying this package with the intent to lose all this weight and be like, “BAM! How you like me now?”…but, that didn’t quite work out. Ha! Rather than reschedule the shoot (again) until I can look like Skeletor from HeMan, I realized that I was focused on the wrong thing. I have historically taken a Nation of Islam approach to weight loss…by any means necessary. Be it Atkins (staying in Phase 1 forever), starvation, weight loss pills, being a workout fiend…you name it, I was doing it. The problem was I couldn’t maintain the “extreme measures lifestyle”. Even when I lost a lot of weight (and in some cases, maybe too much), I was never satisfied. I always found something I needed to improve. Something that was imperfect. What I saw in the mirror wasn’t what other people in reality saw when they looked at me. All I saw were all of my failures, insecurities, baggage, failed relationships, bad decisions, etc.
When I told my best friend that I thought the leather seats in my car needed Botox because they were cracked from all of my weight sitting on it, she told me to put the crack pipe down. If only. I mean, couldn’t she see that if I was on crack then I’d be skinny? Now, I may be trying to steal her dvd player for a “weight loss hit” but I’d still be thin!
I have been caught up in the “industry” standard of beauty for so long, I can’t remember a time when I was ever satisfied in my own skin. I felt I looked more like Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid than Princess Tiana from Princess & the Frog. I would covet the figures on magazine covers that sold me a faux reality based heavily on airbrush & illusions. I thought, “If I eat 3 beans a day, I can look like that!” But it never happened because I’m just not built that way and there came a point when my sanity broke thru the haze of phentermine & 2-a-day workouts & I realized I was miserable AND hungry. I wanted a biscuit and could care less about skinny jeans.
Then it hit me…it’s okay to be “imperfect.” I figure that if God created me this way, then I am perfect in His eyes and that is all that matters. Now, am I trying to look like Precious and run off with a bucket of chicken? No (although some chicken does sound good…focus Nikki). I am just taking a smarter approach to weight loss and changing my mindset. I eat what I want in moderation and workout. I am focusing on pushing myself beyond my preconceived limits (both mentally, physically and emotionally). In the here and now, I decided to strip myself bare & accept myself as I am. By allowing myself to be photographed like this, I am telling myself that it is okay to be me.
I’m not Naomi Campbell thin (and my iPhone 4 cost too much to throw at someone…they can get my old Motorola). I’ve never had the figure of a supermodel and I want a bowl of ice cream just thinking about being a size 0. The only way I will ever be that size is to smoke crack and meth with a side of smack. Healthy for me is being a size 8/10 and having a some junk in the trunk…to keep me warm in the winter. I have decided to define beauty for myself as I strive to get back to that size. I am committing myself to living a healthy lifestyle and seeing how far I can push myself in certain physical endeavors (i.e. marathons & triathlons).
Honestly, I’m just trying to be happy with myself. To that end, I figured I’d release my poorly hidden diva (because y’all know I am the first one to jump in front of a camera) and get my photo shoot on. I can pick out plenty of things I need to work on but I choose to see someone who doesn’t look half bad. So, I’m not going to make excuses and say the camera added 20 pounds, because as Shakira would say “hips don’t lie.” I’m just going to continue on my journey and look as fabulous as I can until I reach my destination!
I know this has felt like a “Dear Diary” entry but there is a key difference…Holly Hobby isn’t on the cover and my brother isn’t trying to crack the code to spill everything to my parents during dinner. Special shout out to Sarah at Sarah Esther Photography who handled the shoot. She is FAB-U-LOUS! I really cannot say enough great things about her. Sarah is so creative & her work is phenomenal! In fact, she is photographing my brother’s wedding this summer. Girl’s got skills! She’s also running another boudoir photo special so definitely check her out!
Without further ado, here are a few pics from the shoot (which were shot at the W Hotel in Buckhead). Thanks for listening to me share my hangups and entertaining my vanity!